


between who you are and who you could be

by cosimas



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, So much angst, alison can't admit her sexuality to herself, non clone au, tw depression, tw suicide attempt (not graphic)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-04-24 13:37:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14356590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosimas/pseuds/cosimas
Summary: Alison Hendrix believes she knows everything she needs to know about herself - until a new girl starts school with them in their senior year and makes Alison rethink it all. (Spoiler alert: It's Beth.)





	1. Part 1 - Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [felicityollies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/felicityollies/gifts).



> I have been sitting on this fic since June 2016. Almost two years! I don't even reckon there are still people out there who read soccercop fics, are there? I think about this fic every day and I've recently started up again, determined to finish it. As it stands now, I have Part One finished with about 20k words and am 10k into Part Two. There will probably be 3 parts if the fic follows the plan that I have in my head. This story is near and dear to my heart, because there are things that Alison struggles with that I have also struggled with myself. The journey for her to discover and accept her sexuality is going to be a long one, and this is going to be the slowest of slow burns.
> 
> To my wonderful girlfriend who listened to me whine and cry about this story for 2 years: thank you.  
> And for whoever is out there and reading it, even if it's just one person: thank you.

The track was her favorite place in the world, if she really had to choose one. It stretched out around the large football field that she cheered at every Friday night for home games and had just been redone the previous summer. Running was one of the only times that Alison could put her mind at ease and focus on only the way her body felt as her muscles stretched and pushed her body forward. Even during the summer, Alison was a frequent visitor at the track. The local little league teams rented out the space from her school, so it was always left unlocked. She used this to her advantage and ran every morning as the sun rose in the sky.

Lately, she had been joined by a new girl who she hadn’t seen around before. Scarborough was full of people, yes, but not many who ran at her school’s track. She had first noticed the girl running ahead of her one morning and wondered just how early she had to have arrived there. Alison woke up at 6:00 sharp each morning and made it to the track half an hour later. This girl had always worked up a sweat by the time Alison arrived. She hadn’t spoken to the girl, either. Both ran with earbuds in their ears, not that Alison would have known what to say to her anyway. Alison had been silently racing the girl for weeks, quietly counting laps and always trying to at least stay longer than the other girl.

Usually she succeeded.

The girl was a mystery, really. She always wore the same running shorts, shoes, and a black sports bra. Even in the chilly morning weather, Alison never saw her wear a jacket. Her hair was always tied high on her head and it was straight, just like Alison’s, sans the bangs. She wondered, as she pounded the pavement a respectful distance behind her, what the girl’s name was. She was about Alison’s height, but where Alison was slender and small, the other girl was muscular. Alison tired not to stare at the girl’s muscles moving under her skin, but she didn’t have much else to look at. Her legs and arms were perfectly toned, and her back looked strong.

If Alison hadn’t been daydreaming about the mystery girl, she would have noticed when the girl slowed and stopped in front of her. Unfortunately, she didn’t, and she soon collided with the girl, sending them both tumbling to the ground.

“Oh!” Alison shouted and pulled out her earbuds, hurriedly helping the girl to her feet. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. Oh goodness.”

“It’s alright,” the girl said, brushing dirt off her pants and shaking off the fall. “I’m used to it.”

“To being ran into by strangers?” Alison asked, blinking in confusion.

“You could say that,” the girl smirked. “Don’t worry about it, though. See you around.”

She was putting her earbuds back in and jogging towards the bleachers and the exit before Alison could say anything else. She wanted to ask what the girl’s name was, but circumstances had left her too embarrassed to tell the girl to wait. Wondering what she could have possibly meant, Alison frowned and resumed both her music and her run. She smiled when she realized that she had outran the girl, at least for today.

***

The first day of senior year came before she really wanted it to. Alison spent most of the night fretting over her outfit and ended up skipping her morning run in order to get ready for the day ahead. She made sure her hair didn’t have a strand out of place and her clothes were pristine. Her parents weren’t around, but she was used to that. She made herself eggs and pancakes for breakfast and had some orange juice before there was a knock at her door. Of course, her friends didn’t wait before barging in and helping themselves to the leftovers (she had made extra on purpose.)

“Ready for another year?” She asked happily as her friends destroyed her kitchen. It made her eye twitch slightly, but she would just spend time cleaning before she got to her homework.

“Another year of putting up with peoples’ shite? Yeah, no,” Sarah said with her mouth full.

Her brother, Felix, just shook his head as an answer and Cosima grinned at her from behind her glasses. The group consisted of herself, the punky brother and sister, and the geek. Considering Alison was the head cheerleader, it was a strange group to say the least. They had all been friends since first grade, though, and the pressures their peers put on them weren’t enough to break up the group. Alison had another set of friends, of course, most of them were cheerleaders and jocks, but they weren’t the ones she felt she could truly turn to when things got rough. The three people in front of her were her family, and she wouldn’t trade them for anything.

“Come on or we’ll be late,” Cosima said, tugging Sarah to her feet. Sarah made a grab for a piece of toast before they all left the house and piled into Cosima’s jeep. “Watch the crumbs, Manning.”

“Your ride is as dirty as your room, Cos. I doubt some crumbs will hurt.” That earned a smack on the thigh from Alison who handed her a napkin to hold over. Sarah accepted it with a roll of her eyes. “Maybe this year you’ll work up the courage to talk to the bloody Frenchie you’re always on about.”

Cosima’s eyes were wide in the rearview mirror as she drove. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Besides, she’s _straight_ , and-“

“And nothing,” Felix said with a sigh, “Delphine isn’t straight. Believe me, sweetie. My gaydar goes nuts whenever I see her. She may still be dating Dierden, but she’s not happy about it.”

“Total muff diver,” Sarah said, getting another smack from Alison.

“Leave Cosima alone,” she admonished. “If she wants to ask Delphine out, then she will when she’s ready.”

Cosima shot her a thankful look and talk turned to the gossip over the summer. Couples had broken up and gotten together so fast that Alison had a hard time keeping up. She had only dated one person during her high school career, and Donnie had never gotten over her. They were the school’s on again, off again couple. To Alison’s relief and Donnie’s chagrin, they were currently off. She didn’t think he ever really listened to her when she was talking, and she constantly had to smack his hands away from her chest when they were on dates. Her friends all hated him, but only said so when they were broken up.

“Did you hear about the new girl?” Cosima asked. “On the football team. They’re letting her play with the guys.”

“Oh?” Alison asked, wondering how Cosima knew about this and she didn’t.

“She’s gonna get creamed on the field,” Sarah muttered quietly, shaking her head.

“Surely they wouldn’t let her play unless she could hold her own,” Alison offered.

“We’ll see soon enough. The first game is on Friday,” Felix said with a smile. “And _I_ am bringing a date.”

They immediately began talking about Felix’s dating prospects until they made it to school. Alison was in honors classes, so she only shared them with Cosima. Felix and Sarah spent a good amount of time ditching class, and it looked like they were early to the routine that year. Alison saw them slinking off towards the field as she walked with Cosima to their first class. By the time lunch rolled around, Alison was glad to have avoided Donnie for most of the day. She always acted as a bridge between cliques at the long lunch tables, with Sarah, Cosima, and Felix on one side and Aynsley and the rest of the cheerleaders on the other. The jocks sat farther down, but occasionally intermingled with the cheerleaders, sitting by the ones they were dating.

Alison looked down at her unappetizing hamburger and poked at it with a sigh. On her left, the squad was going on about practices and pep rallies while Cosima and Felix were having a spirited discussion about some science fiction novel on her right. Before she could do anything about it, Donnie was sliding into the seat right across from her.

“Ali,” he said with a timid smile. “You look really, really good.”

“Thank you, Donnie,” she said with her lips pursed. Of course she knew the routine by now. Donnie would apologize until Alison relented and took him back for a few weeks. She tried to ignore the death glare that Sarah was shooting him as she pushed her tray towards his. He always ate his lunch and most of hers while she nibbled at a few of the fries. Paul Dierden walked up with his tray and sat down next to Delphine, who was on the squad as well. Cosima gave a longing glance and Alison wished there was something she could do for her friend. She couldn’t even sort out her own love life, though. Cosima abandoned the seat next to Alison, saying she had work to do in the science lab even though they both knew she didn’t.

“Is this seat taken? Woah, hey! Track girl!”

 _Holy Moses._ Alison’s head jerked up and she saw the girl from the track standing there in a varsity football jacket and holding her own lunch tray. It immediately hit her why she hadn’t seen the girl before the summer. She was obviously the new girl on the football team. She blinked a few times and realized she was staring before shaking her head. “Oh, no. Go ahead.” She smiled warmly as the girl sat down next to her.

“Hey Childs,” Donnie said with a smile and a full mouth, causing Alison to blanch slightly.

“Hey Chubbs,” the girl said, reaching over the table and pounding his fist. “My name is Elizabeth Childs,” she said, turning to Alison with a smile. “But everyone calls me Beth. What’s yours?”

Alison stared a moment longer before remembering how to speak. “Alison Hendrix.”

“You’re a cheerleader? I thought you looked sporty.”

“Head cheerleader,” she said proudly. “And you are… the kicker?” She offered a guess.

Beth chuckled and shook her head. “Running back. I said I’m used to getting ran over, remember?”

“Aren’t you worried about getting hurt?”

“She doesn’t need to be,” Donnie said, fumbling with his milk carton before giving it to Alison to open for him. “She ran circles around us at the first summer practice. And she took Paul down quicker than anyone I’ve seen.”

Beth gave a smug grin as she ate. To Alison’s delight, she actually cleared her mouth before speaking. “Just you wait and see what I can do when the pressure is on.”

Alison took the opportunity of being so close to Beth to study her features. Her eyes were sharp, but friendly at the same time. Her skin looked soft despite her playing such a rough sport. The only real evidence that she played football was the calloused skin on her hands. She was, Alison admitted, completely beautiful. She only realized she was staring when Beth cleared her throat again.

“I’m sorry, what?” Alison asked, slightly mortified that she was making a horrible second impression.

“I was wondering if you were taking Leekie’s chemistry class,” Beth said with a small smile on her face.

Alison shook her head. “Oh, no. I chose physics instead. But I do have a friend who knows all about chemistry, if you need some help?”

Beth nodded, “Yeah. Chem is my worst subject, and they won’t let me switch. I just need a tutor.”

Alison was suddenly irrationally angry that she hadn’t chosen to take chemistry with Cosima. It was the only class they didn’t have together, and now she wouldn’t be able to spend more time with this interesting new girl. _Stupid._ She thought quickly, not questioning why she wanted to spend time with Beth. Of course there was one way to make it happen. She made up something on the spot, happy that she was a quick thinker.

“My friend, Cosima, is in advanced science classes. We study at my home after school, if you would like to join us sometime,” she said, trying not to sound eager. “We planned the first session for Saturday, to go over the week’s work.”

“That would be awesome!” Beth said, whipping out her phone and sliding it over to Alison. “Put in your number and your address. I’ll text you later so you can have mine.”

Alison’s fingers moved quickly over the keys, putting a smiley face after her last name and then hesitating before backspacing it away. What was going on with her today? Sarah and Felix were giving her questioning looks that she ignored. They both knew that there were no plans for a study session on Saturday, but weren’t saying anything. All Alison needed to do was tell Cosima about it and beg her not to tell Beth that it wasn’t previously planned. She finished with Beth’s phone and handed it back before standing up. Lunch was almost over and she didn’t want to be late to her next class.

“Wait, Ali. I’ll walk you to class?” Donnie offered, hurriedly standing up and brushing crumbs off of his jacket.

Alison regarded him for a moment, biting her lip. This was one of those moments that would set the course for the future. As much as she wasn’t ready to take him back yet, she could see how eager he was. He loved her so much, and she knew it. The problem was that she didn’t know if she loved him back. He was just… familiar? Besides, the prospect of going through senior year single was an incredibly depressing one. Holding in a sigh, she nodded and pointed towards the end of the long table.

“Christ,” Sarah sighed loudly as Alison started to walk away.

She let Donnie take her hand and her bag when they met at the end of the table. His hands were larger than hers, calloused as well but not soft at all. He smiled his dopey smile and gave Paul a thumbs up when he whooped from the other end of the table. Alison shot daggers at them both and glanced one more time at Beth before she left the cafeteria. The girl was looking down at her phone with an unreadable expression on her face.

***

The first week flew by, and everyone settled into a kind of routine. Alison was happy to have classes that challenged her, and was already started on the year’s reading list for her advanced English class. By the time Friday got there, the school was buzzing. The first pep rally was going to be held before lunch, and Alison was glad to be able to leave class before the rest of the student body. The cheerleaders and football players gathered at the field a full hour before the rally was going to start so they could set things up and get changed.

Alison felt at home in her cheer uniform. They had bought new ones over the summer that were considerably racier than the last ones. The skirts only went down to their mid thighs and the tops were sleeveless and showed most of their navels. Usually Alison would protest such a revealing outfit, but the rest of the squad loved it so much that she couldn’t say anything. And, maybe, Alison liked it too. Not that she would admit it.

She bent over to grab her pom-poms and nearly fell over when the football players whistled in her direction. Whirling around, she narrowed her eyes and saw that the main culprits were Donnie and Paul. “That is harassment!” She screamed as Donnie immediately deflated and yelled an apology back to her. Her eyes caught Beth, who was sitting on the grass with her helmet between her legs, reading a book and oblivious to the goings-on around her. Alison jogged over and waited for Beth to look up at her. “What are you reading?”

“The Awakening,” Beth said, dog-earing a page and placing the book on the grass beside her. “It’s about a woman who has an affair. She falls in love with another man, but has trouble reconciling her heart with what society would expect her to do. She kills herself at the end, when her boyfriend leaves her.”

“Sounds horribly sad,” Alison said, moving to sit on the grass beside Beth. “Why does he leave her?”

“He doesn’t want to break up a marriage,” Beth muttered, shaking her head. “But I think he should have stayed. And she should have decided she didn’t care what other people thought.”

“That’s not a book for school, is it?”

Beth shook her head. “Just one of my favorites. Do you have any favorites?”

“Um…” she hesitated, wondering if Beth would think she was a nerd if she told her how much she absolutely loved any and all romance novels, especially the classics. “Wuthering Heights.”

“Wow, cute and a great taste in literature,” Beth grinned.

“Come now,” Alison shook her head, hiding a smile. Beth said she was cute. “I’m sure you say that to every head cheerleader you talk to.”

Alison hardly had time to think about the fact that Beth seemed both athletic and intelligent, something that was hard to come by at their school, before the rest of the student body started to fill in the bleachers. She resumed her spot at the front of the squad as they spread out over the track that Alison visited so often.

Rachel Duncan, their student body president, took a microphone and tapped it, causing everyone to wince as a high pitched noise sounded out through the large speakers. “Order, please.”

“She’s not a judge,” Delphine whispered, causing Alison to giggle.

“Welcome to the first pep rally of the year,” Rachel continued. “We have some fun activities planned, but first, a performance by the cheer squad.”

Alison wondered how someone so incredibly robotic expected to get the students pumped for the first game, but hoped that the squad could get an excited atmosphere going.

“How is everybody!” Alison screamed, not needing a mic to get loud. “When we say go, you say antlers! Go!”

The squad shouted the word and were met with a deafening “Antlers!” They repeated it twice before Alison got them all on their feet, shouting and stomping for the team before the music cut in and they all began their routine. They all moved in unison, the product of months of practice in Aynsley’s backyard over the summer. Some of their moves were a little questionable, but not enough to be considered scandalous. The poor boy who had been given the job of mascot that year danced around in the deer costume that had to have been sweltering, even in the cool end-of-summer weather.

They began their pyramid formation for the finish and lifted Alison to the top, where they all posed and were met with thunderous applause before she flipped off the top and held up the mascot’s hand, waving at everyone. Cosima was on her feet as well, hooting and hollering. Of course, Alison wondered how much of her applause was just for Delphine. She even saw Felix and Sarah clapping from where they sat at the very top of the bleachers, sneaking cigarettes.

“And now for the real stars!” Alison shouted, waving for the team to make their run across the field. She introduced them all, stating their positions and stopping herself from rolling her eyes when Donnie did his touchdown dance and then kissed her on the cheek.

The squad then moved to the side, mostly watching the rest of the festivities. They had the team do their own routine that had everyone rolling with laughter before they played a few mini games with the student council. By the end, the school was more than excited about the game later that night. Alison volunteered to stay after the rally and help the five members of the student council clean up, and was surprised when the only other person to volunteer was Beth. She grabbed a plastic bag and began walking the rows of bleachers, picking up soda cans and bags of chips while wondering why it was so hard to make it to a trash can.

“You were really great out there.”

She turned and smiled widely when she saw Beth standing a row below her with her own trash bag. “Why thank you, Beth. We all worked very hard on the routine.”

“Not just the routine,” Beth said, dropping a can of Sprite into the bag. “You had everyone on their feet. Even I got excited about the game. Well, more excited. I’ve never seen someone command a crowd like that before.”

Alison blushed and angled her face away so Beth couldn’t see her rosy cheeks. “Oh stop. All I did was show a little enthusiasm.”

“How come you don’t take compliments?”

She stopped and raised one eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

“I’ve complimented you twice today, and you just shrugged it off. You’re awesome, Alison. Own it.”

She was off and down the row before Alison could respond. The blush was deepening on her cheeks and she was glad that Beth hadn’t stuck around to see it.

***

“You’re going to have to start listening to me when I speak to you, Donnie,” Alison said from where she sat in the passenger seat of his truck. They were in the parking lot of the football field later that night, and Alison was wondering why she had agreed to let him pick her up before the game. She usually arrived with her friends, but he wanted to talk to her. “If this is going to work… I need you to at least listen to me.”

“I do listen, Babe,” Donnie said, leaning closer and wrapping his arm around her. “But I promise I’ll try more. I’ll be the best damn boyfriend ever.”

She gave him a disbelieving look to which he responded with a kiss. She kissed him back despite herself and pulled away a moment later, letting her hand rest on his chest.

“Are we okay?” He asked.

“We are… for now,” Alison muttered before kissing him again. She wasn’t exactly happy about dating him again, but it seemed like that was what everyone expected to happen. She and Donnie had somehow become a given, despite how she felt in the matter.

“I’ll buy you a diet coke at halftime,” he muttered against her lips with a smile.

“I told you I gave up soda,” she pulled back again.

“So a water then?”

She nodded and slid out of his truck, letting him resume placing his arm around her middle while they walked towards the gates. Admission was of course free for them, and soon they parted ways when they reached the field. Donnie jogged towards the locker room and Alison dropped her cheer bag by the bench on the track with a sigh. Delphine was currently attached to Paul’s lips, so she busied herself by talking to Aynsley. She was going on about how she hoped her boyfriend, Chad, impressed the crowd that night. Alison was secretly more interested in seeing how Beth played more than anyone else.

She lifted her gold and black pom-poms and scanned the crowd for her friends. Cosima, Sarah, and Felix were in their usual places near the top behind the band. It was easiest to sneak joints up there, something which Alison deeply disapproved of. She wasn’t going to tell them what to do, though. She gave a half-hearted look over where the parents were sitting, knowing that hers wouldn’t be there. It never stopped her from looking or hoping. Being the daughter of a lawyer and an alcoholic meant that she was alone a lot of the time.

Before she knew it, the band was done playing the flight song and the first kickoff was underway. She would have to wait until their team had the ball to see Beth in action. She performed the routines with the squad while they jeered the other team from the sidelines. Football wasn’t her favorite sport, but that didn’t stop her from getting competitive.

“And the antlers send out number eleven, Childs, for the upcoming offense!” The commentator’s voice boomed out over the crowd. “She is the only girl on the team, and this is her first time playing here.”

Alison jumped and cheered before quieting down when the play started. Paul counted down and hiked the ball straight to Donnie, who backed up and searched the field for someone who was open. She saw Beth run around behind Donnie, and it took her, the crowd, and the other team a full five seconds before they realized he had quickly given her the ball when she ran by. She was like a lightning bolt on the field, dodging the defense and leaping over tackles. She reached the end zone and there was a moment of silence before the home crowd let out a roar of applause.

“Offense! Offense! Beat the tigers!”

Alison was celebrating herself and swore Beth winked at her as she ran past towards the bench. It was tied 7-7, and everyone was sure Beth would be their secret advantage. Some players were afraid to tackle her, and the ones who weren’t were too slow to catch her in the first place. Their score continued to climb, and they had a twenty-one point lead by halftime.

“Hey Ali,” Beth said with a smile as she walked up to the squad. “I can call you that, right?”

Alison nodded. “You are such a great player!” She hugged Beth tightly for a moment before stepping back, a little embarrassed to have been so forward.

“Told ya,” Beth said before taking a drink of water and holding out another bottle towards her. “Thirsty?”

Alison took it gratefully and downed half of the bottle. “You’re like a lion out there. Leaping over those guys and darting around their arms.”

Beth grinned and motioned to the squad with one arm. “You’re not too shabby yourself. Those are some amazing moves.”

Alison blushed again but resisted the urge to shake her head. If Beth wanted her to accept compliments, she would. Donnie jogged up with a half empty bottle of water and held it out to her. “Here you go, Babe.”

Alison looked from his bottle to the one in her hands. “You can finish that one, Donnie. Beth got me one.”

He gave a slightly indignant look at the bottle of water in her hands and then shrugged before finishing off the one in his hands. “You’re totally hot out there, by the way.” He grinned and Alison leaned up to kiss his cheek. At least he was _trying_ to be better. In her movement, she didn’t see the look that briefly crossed over Beth’s face.

“You should both be in the locker room,” Alison said, waving them away. “Shoo.”

They both ran off and Alison looked down at the water bottle in her hands. She hadn’t noticed the name written in sharpie before. **_Alison :)_** She took one more drink and placed the bottle in her bag. Her work wasn’t done yet. They had another half to make it through.

The Scarborough Antlers won their first game of the season by thirty-five points. As the students rushed the field to celebrate, Alison looked around for her friends. Cosima made it to her first, wrapping her arms around Alison in a tight hug.

“Maybe this year won’t completely suck,” the dreadlocked girl said before letting go.

“Antlers! Antlers! Antlers!” Sarah and Felix chanted as they ran up together. It was obvious to Alison that they were both as high as a kite. At least they were there to support her and the team.

“Afterparty at my house?” Cosima asked.

Alison was about to say yes when Paul made his way over with Delphine. That same heartbroken look crossed over Cosima’s features and Alison sighed.

“Donnie wants you to come to my place to celebrate,” he said as Delphine kissed his cheek and his neck. “We’re going to eat pizza and watch movies.”

Alison knew full well what else those boys wanted to do. It would probably only be her, Delphine, and Aynsley along with their boyfriends in Paul’s basement. She had spent way too many evenings there last year, begrudgingly letting Donnie feel her up on the couch. It was always on top of the bra, of course, and that was as far as she let him go. Biting her lip, she looked between Paul and Cosima before her mind was made up for her. Donnie came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly against him.

“Pizza and Die Hard?” He asked, and Alison dropped her head back against his chest.

“Alright, I suppose.” She looked to Cosima and her friends. “I’ll see you tomorrow at three?”

“Not me or Fee. We’re not studying,” Sarah said. “But have fun with Chubby.”

“It’s Chubbs!” Donnie shouted over the reverie around them.

“I know,” Sarah muttered before tugging Cosima and Felix away. Alison hopped the apologetic look she gave Cosima would be enough to make the girl not be mad at her.

As they waited to make it to the exit in the long line of cars in the parking lot, Alison laid her head against the window and looked out. She was surprised to see Beth had changed back into her running clothes and had a backpack strapped onto her back. She didn’t have a car, like Alison assumed she did. Instead, she was mounting a motorcross bike and kicking it to life. Alison watched with wide eyes as Beth sped off, weaving past the cars and becoming a single red light down the street.


	2. Part 1 - Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it been a week already? Yikes! I'm so glad that you all enjoyed the first chapter. I've been going over what I've written for the past seven days, and have started to add more to part one here and there. Hopefully you all like it as much as I do.
> 
> That being said, there is a part of this chapter that makes me uncomfortable every time I read over it. Alison and Donnie sort of have sex, the sort of being that Alison does it to try and convince herself that it's what she wants, but it doesn't end well. Nobody is physically abused, and it is consensual. I don't like fics that make Donnie out to be a villain. In fact I adore the big guy. He's a lot like he is in the show, just a teenage version. I tried to rush it and not go into detail, but it's there. I just wanted you all to know.
> 
> Again, thank you guys for reading! See you next week!

“Stop apologizing.”

Alison sat a plate of freshly baked cookies in front of Cosima where she sat in the dining room of Alison’s fairly large house. Pursing her lips, she nudged the cookies closer and sat down beside her. “I don’t mean to, but I really am sorry. I wish I had decided to go to your house last night instead of Paul’s.”

“I get it, though. If you’re back with Donnie, then you should spend time with him,” Cosima said before grabbing a cookie and moaning as she tasted it. “Even if I am immeasurably more fun.”

“I didn’t have a very good time,” Alison sighed. “In fact, I left early.”

“Why?”

“Donnie asked me to…” she trailed off, blushing furiously, “touch _it_.”

Cosima dropped her head back and laughed.

“It’s not funny! I could see it there… in his pants!”

Cosima continued to laugh as the doorbell rang, and Alison got up with a huff, stomping to the front door and pulling it open.

“Oh, um, am I too early?” Beth asked, standing on the porch with her backpack on her shoulders.

Alison ran her eyes quickly over Beth’s body, glad that her face was already red because Beth looked amazing. She wasn’t even dressed up, either. She was wearing a baseball shirt, jeans, and sneakers. How could someone look so good without any effort at all?

“Of course not, come in,” Alison said, remembering her words as she moved to the side.

“Woah,” Beth said as she walked inside and looked around. “This place is huge.”

“Where do you live?” Alison asked before nodding towards the dining room.

“In an apartment with my mom,” Beth shrugged and sat her bag on the table before smiling in greeting at Cosima. “Cookies?”

“Help yourself,” Alison said.

“To the first ever gathering of the nerds,” Cosima said, and then, seeing the panicked look on Alison’s face, quickly rephrased. “First ever… senior year… gathering, I mean.”

 _Of course_ Cosima wouldn’t be able to keep a secret. Alison didn’t want Beth to know that she wanted to see her so badly that she would make up a story about weekly study sessions within her first real meeting with her. She snatched the cookie from Cosima’s hand and put it back on the plate while Beth was getting out her books.

“I was wondering if you could help with balancing chemical reactions?” Beth asked, showing Cosima her homework.

Alison had already neatly laid out her supplies and settled on doing her physics work while listening to Cosima and Beth muttering about things she didn’t understand. All she cared about was that Beth was _here_ , in her home. Why did it mean so much to her that she saw the girl again? She honestly had no idea. Beth was intriguing in a way that nobody else was. She would honestly be happier spending time with Beth than her own boyfriend, who was currently texting her with apologies for the previous evening. She was letting him think about what he did while she ignored him. She knew his buddies called her a prude behind her back. If that’s what they wanted to think, then so be it. She just didn’t want her first time to be on a ratty couch in a basement while Bruce Willis shot people on the television.

Her physics work was now forgotten as she kept her eyes on Beth. The girl had the most peculiar way of biting the right side of her bottom lip as she wrote numbers over the page. Her hair fell halfway in front of her face, and every time she absentmindedly pushed it back, it would return to its previous position a few seconds later. Alison wondered if it would be better for her to just reach out and tuck it behind Beth’s ear for her but stopped herself. The cookies were half gone when Beth excused herself after asking directions to the bathroom.

“Oh my god,” Cosima muttered, shaking her head. “Oh my _god_. You like Beth.”

Alison’s eyes shot wide open. “What!”

“You’ve been staring at her practically the whole time she’s been sitting here.”

If Cosima had noticed Alison staring, had Beth? Did Beth think she was some crazy stalker now? _Oh eff. Eff!_

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Alison said, looking promptly down at her work. “I was simply interested in your chemical equations. And I’m not… I’m not _that way_.”

“You can say gay.”

“It doesn’t matter because I’m not. I’m dating Donnie.”

Before Cosima could say whatever it was that would undoubtedly make Alison flustered, Beth returned and grabbed her pencil. The girls went back to studying and Alison actively forced herself not to stare at anything but her work this time. By the time the cookies were gone, and two hours had gone by, all of them were tired.

“I gotta go,” Cosima said, gathering her things. “I have an appointment to tutor someone else.”

“Oh, who?” Alison asked, wondering why Cosima hadn’t mentioned it.

“Nobody important…”

“Cosima.”

“Alright… Delphine needs help with English.”

“Cosima!”

Alison couldn’t believe that Cosima was going to be spending such intimate time alone with Delphine and hadn’t told any of them about it. The dreadlocked girl was blushing, something Alison had never seen her do, and she decided not to question her about it. She let Cosima leave and then shook her head as she stood up. Beth had watched the exchange with an amused smile on her face.

“Do you want anything to drink, Beth?”

“No, thanks,” she said, packing up her things. “Cosima likes Cormier?”

Alison nodded. “She’s harbored a crush on her since sophomore year, but Delphine has been with Paul for so long.”

“It must suck to have a crush on a taken woman.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Alison said, scrunching up her nose in a laugh and frowning slightly when she thought Beth’s laugh was less than authentic. “Anyway… more cookies?”

“No… I should be leaving too. I’ve got some errands.”

Alison tried not to pout. This study session was a genius plan on her part, but she hadn’t planned on them actually _studying_. She pictured more the three of them talking and learning more about each other instead. Unfortunately, that hadn’t happened.

“Let me walk you to the door then,” Alison said, smiling sweetly. The door was frustratingly close to the dining room, and soon Beth was back on the porch while Alison leaned against the doorway. “I’ll see you Monday?”

“Yeah. Save me a seat at lunch.”

“Absolutely,” Alison looked left and right before stepping onto the porch herself. “Take care until then.” She wrapped her arms around Beth and buried her face momentarily in Beth’s hair, breathing in deeply. She smelled exactly like lavender and vanilla, a mixture of scents that made Alison feel warm all over.

When she pulled back and Beth turned to go, she watched her leave for a moment before closing her front door and leaning against it, looking down the hall. “I’m not gay,” she said to nobody in particular. Of course, there was no response, and she resigned herself to heading to the kitchen to clean up the mess from the cookies.

***

 The track was just as peaceful at night as it was in the early morning. Alison’s parents were out of the house, as usual, so she had decided to put in an evening run. Her feet pounded against the track as she breathed heavily through her nose. It had been a tough few days at school, and she just wanted to clear her head. Beth had sat next to her at lunch for three days in a row, and Alison always found it hard to concentrate in her presence. She held firmly onto the idea that she was not gay, but that hadn’t stopped her from having a sort of crisis as of late. If she wasn’t gay, why did Beth’s lips look so kissable? _Gosh darn it._ She shook her head and picked up her speed. She was so concentrated at staring at the ground that she didn’t realize someone had taken a spot next to her.

“You run at night too?”

Alison stumbled and slowed down at the sound of Beth’s voice, cursing her idea to forgo her headphones. She glanced over, seeing Beth keeping up at a quick jog next to her. She was wearing that darn sports bra that showed off her arms and abs, and her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail.

“Only rarely,” Alison puffed and slowed down a little more so she could talk. “Do you do anything besides exercise?”

Beth laughed and nodded, “I eat and sleep.”

Alison elbowed her playfully and slowed down to a walk while Beth held out her water bottle. She eyed it for a moment before taking the bottle and sipping from it gratefully. All the thoughts that she had been struggling with seemed to disappear when she was around Beth. It was just so _easy_ with her. It didn’t matter how confused she was, or how scared. Talking with Beth was always calming in a way she couldn’t explain. “It seems like every time I think of you, you show up.”

“You think of me?”

Alison stopped and bit down hard on her lip. _Great going, Ali_. “Sometimes, yes.”

They walked in silence for a few moments before Beth spoke again. “I think about you, too. Sometimes.”

She stopped and so did Alison. The tension in the air was thick, and Alison felt like she was in a dream. Beth’s gaze pierced her and made her feel like she was looking straight into Alison’s thoughts. It was like she could read her worries and hopes without Alison having to speak. Before she knew it, Beth had snaked a hand around the back of Alison’s neck and tugged her closer so their lips could meet. They both melted into the kiss. Alison let out a small sigh as her lips moved against Beth’s. It was so soft… So different from kissing Donnie.

When they broke the kiss, Alison’s eyes snapped open and she pulled away from Beth. “I… I’m sorry. If I gave you that idea-”

“No, no I’m sorry-“ Beth started to say, but Alison cut her off.

“I should go,” she said, backing away more. “I don’t… know what to, ah…. I should go.” She stammered her words out and then turned and ran towards the exit, leaving Beth standing on the track looking after her.

She didn’t stop running until she made it to Paul’s house. Her feet had led her there without her giving much thought to where she was going. What had she been thinking? Kissing Beth was such a stupid thing to do. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. She sniffled slightly and composed herself as she let herself into his house. His parents were gone all week, and Paul was christening the home with a party every night of the week. Alison had thus far declined to attend, but she knew Donnie would be there.

The kiss wouldn’t leave her thoughts, and she told herself to calm down, but she couldn’t. It made her question things that she had previously knew about herself, and it was making her panic a little. It didn’t take her long to find Donnie and grab his wrist, tugging him towards the first-floor powder room.

“What are you doing here, Babe?” Donnie asked, grinning because he was happy to see her. He sipped from a red solo cup in his hands and Alison took it from him before downing half of the contents. They burned on the way down and made her twist her face up in disgust. He stared at her like his eyes were going to fly out of his head.

“Don’t talk, Donnie,” she said, slipping her shorts off and hopping up on the sink. “I believe I’m ready to have sex.” Her voice was sure even though her stomach was doing somersaults. “Just don’t talk and push your pants down.”

He gaped at her for a moment more before jumping into action. If she said she was ready, she knew he wouldn’t think twice. She watched him moved towards her as he unzipped his jeans. She told herself that she needed to do this. She _needed_ to be sure that this is what she wanted. Donnie’s hands slid underneath her sports bra and she winced before lifting it up over her head. His hands weren’t soft, and his lips were nothing like Beth’s. He groped her in a very unpracticed way that made it feel like he was squeezing fruit at a supermarket while he kissed her. _You like this_. She thought the sentence over and over as he pressed his hips against hers.

He pulled back only to shove his boxers down. Alison thought about looking but just squeezed her eyes shut instead. She felt him slide her panties to the side and then there was a sharp pain. It burned enough to make her cry out and Donnie stopped.

“Is something wrong?”

Alison shook her head and buried her face in his neck, “I’m f-fine. Keep going.”

He moved against her a few more times as tears sprung to her eyes and fell down her cheeks. At least after a minute or so, the burning lessened. _You like this. You like this_. He let out a moan and she couldn’t stop herself from letting out a sob. This time, Donnie stopped and stepped back from her, eyeing her distrustfully.

“There is something wrong,” he said, slightly tipsy but sober enough to know something was up.

“No… keep going,” Alison said, wiping tears from her cheeks.

“If being with me is this bad…” His words came out angry as he fixed his pants. “If it’s that bad then I’ll just go!”

“No, Donnie. Please,” Alison let out another sob and reached for him, but he pulled away from her. Before she could ask him to stay again, he was gone, leaving her alone in the little bathroom with the bass from the music pounding against the walls.

She covered her face with her hands and cried in earnest, feeling her body shake with each sob that escaped her lips. She hadn’t liked it. She hadn’t liked it at all. None of it made her feel the way she had felt when she was kissing Beth. She knew what it meant, but she was too afraid to admit it to herself. She wrapped her arms around her middle and let her tears fall to the tops of her thighs as she calmed herself down.

Eventually she slid off the edge of the sink and redressed herself. For once in her life, she was glad neither of her parents were at home. She needed to go home, be alone, and think.

***

Alison had never skipped school in her life. The wall in her bedroom that was covered with cheerleading trophies, old pageant ribbons, and spelling bee awards also had a section dedicated to her perfect attendance awards. It was that group of awards that she now stared at, laying back on her bed while she listened to sad music in her headphones. Her father begrudgingly called the school for her when she insisted that she was too ill to leave the house. It made her feel incredibly guilty, but she just couldn’t face Donnie or Beth.

The Fray began another depressing song as she sighed and dropped a pillow over her face. She knew the gossip that must be going on at the school right that instant. She didn’t know what Donnie would tell his jock friends about what happened the previous night. What if Beth overheard? The thought made her feel nauseous. Plus, she couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss with Beth. It was so unlike any kiss she had ever had before. There were too many things floating around her brain, and it made her turn the music up even more.

When she got tired of breathing in stifling air from the pillow muffling her nose, she shoved it off and rolled on her side. The tea that her mother had brought her was now stone cold, and it made her smile at least a little to see it there. As absent as her mother was in her life, at least she still cared. When she wasn’t drunk or gone, the woman tried to be motherly. She just wished that her mom would be around when she really needed her to be.

The lull in between songs made her aware that the sounds of pebbles were hitting her window. She pulled out her earbuds and dropped them to her bedside table as she got up and walked over. It was only noon, so it surprised her to see Donnie standing outside. She pulled the window open and then reeled back when a pebble hit her in the eye.

“Donnie!” She hissed, covering the eye with her hand and glaring down at him.

“Sorry! I didn’t see you!”

She leaned out of the window and blinked tears out of her eye. “What do you want? You should be at school.”

“So should you! Are you alone?”

She nodded, and he apparently took this as permission to scale the lattice underneath her window. He huffed and wheezed when his hands finally reached her windowsill. She helped him inside, wincing when he tumbled through her window and landed on a heap in her floor.

“That was easier when I was a freshman,” he pushed himself up and stood with his hands in his pockets. There was an awkward silence wherein Alison crossed her arms over her chest and Donnie’s eyes wandered around her bedroom. “Ali… I came to say I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened last night, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You deserve better than that… And I really don’t want you to think of _that_ as our first time. I screwed up pretty bad.”

Alison teared up, not because he was apologizing, but because _she_ should be apologizing to _him_. She had been so confused the last couple of weeks and he didn’t deserve to be caught up in the middle of it. Even if he was an idiot sometimes, he did care about her. “Oh Donnie…” She sniffled and wrapped her arms around him, beginning to cry into his chest. She was _so_ befuddled. She had always been sure of herself, and now she didn’t know what to think. It was terrifying her and she was letting everything get effed up.

“Can we pretend it didn’t happen?”

She lifted her head and let her chin rest on his chest, her eyes still welling with tears. “Yes,” she mumbled and cried harder. “I’m s-so sorry!”

A pang ran through her chest when she momentarily wished it was Beth she was crying on, not Donnie. The thought made her hiccup and blow her nose on Donnie’s shirt. After what felt like ages, she pulled away from him and sniffled every few seconds.

“We’re okay?” He asked, and she nodded.

“We are fine,” she said, sitting on her bed and wiping her cheeks with a blanket.

“Good… come to school? We can get there in time for lunch.”

She stared down at her hands and sighed. It wasn’t like she could avoid Beth forever. Eventually she’d have to see her and talk to her. The puzzling part about it was that while she didn’t want to see Beth and have to face what happened between them, she also _desperately_ wanted to see her again. Just laying eyes on her or hearing her voice would be enough to make her heart swell.

“Let me put on my face,” she sighed and stood up. If she was going back to school, then nobody would need to know she had been crying. She had enough dignity to make sure that didn’t happen.

***

Alison felt like almost every student was staring at her as she sat down with her lunch tray. Her cheeks burned red and she kept her eyes on her food as she pushed it around with her fork. She was one of the first ones at their section of the long table, so only Aynsley was the only one beside her, with Donnie sitting across and eyeing her roll.

“Are you okay, Ali?” Aynsley asked in a whisper. “You’re, like, never sick.”

“I am fine, thanks for asking,” she said before taking a bite of what the school called meatloaf. “Just a little under the weather.”

The table slowly filled with her friends on both sides as they too got their sorry excuses for lunch. Cosima took the seat on her right, and Paul and Delphine sat on Donnie’s sides. She noticed the fact that Delphine was sitting directly across from Cosima and not next to Paul for the first time ever. Sarah dropped her tray by Cosima, making her fork clatter to the floor.

“They call this food?” She asked before sitting down heavily. “Oi oi, Alison, we thought you were dead.”

Alison narrowed her eyes slightly and shook her head. “Allergies.”

“You don’t bloody have allergies-“

She stopped when Cosima elbowed her in the side. It seemed like Cosima was the only one who was clued in on the fact that Alison was most definitely not sick and did not want to discuss her absence. Alison reached over and squeezed her thigh for a brief moment before lifting her head and looking around the cafeteria.

She saw Beth step away from the line, holding her tray, and her breath left her. She was dressed in jeans and a thick flannel shirt which was half tucked in. Beth met her gaze and stared at her for a moment before turning on her heel and walking in the opposite direction. She watched as she sat at the other end of the cafeteria by herself. Was she angry? Alison _had_ kissed her and ran off, after all.

Seeing her wasn’t as hard as she thought it would be. Her food lay forgotten as she watched Beth also ignore her food and pull out a book. Her eyes widened slightly when she saw Beth was reading Wuthering Heights, the book she had recommended to her. It made her heart skip a beat and she forced her gaze away from the other girl and pushed her tray towards Donnie so he would stop looking at her food like a starving puppy. Her mind wandered yet again to the kiss they had shared. It made her skin tingle just thinking about it, and she lifted two fingers to her lips, pressing lightly.

“I don’t know what happened, but we need to talk about it next period,” Cosima whispered, making Alison jump and yank her hand away from her lips.

She banged her hand on the table and hissed in pain before glaring at Cosima. “What if I don’t want to?”

Cosima looked slightly upset as she replied, “I’m your best friend, Ali.”

Alison didn’t say anything after that, instead looking down at her lap for most of the rest of the meal. Donnie pushed the milk carton towards her, the only thing left from her tray, and she drank it in one big gulp.

“Walk you to class?” He asked.

Before she could reply, Cosima cut in. “Not today, Chubbs. Me and Ali have a big project to talk about on the way to advanced government.”

Donnie looked to Alison, who nodded curtly. He deflated a little and left with Paul and Delphine. Alison watched him go and then glanced down when Cosima locked arms with her. They made it all the way to the social studies hall before Cosima spoke.

“Alright, spill.”

“I kissed Beth,” Alison gushed and then slapped her hand over her mouth.

Cosima looked like her eyes were going to bug out of her head. Of all the things Alison could have said, she definitely wasn’t expecting that. Looking side to side, Cosima checked there were no teachers around and then Alison was being dragged into an empty classroom.

“Cosima, we’ll be late for class,” she protested meekly.

“Class can wait. You kissed Childs? You? Alison?”

Sighing heavily, Alison nodded. “I didn’t mean to. Well… maybe I did.”

“Wait, did you kiss her or did she kiss you? What did you say? Details, Hendrix!”

“Will you calm down?” Alison huffed. “I ran into her at the track last night, and… I don’t remember the details. I believe I said I think about her, and she said the same thing, and then…” She trailed off and pressed her two fingertips together. “I think she kissed me first.”

“But you kissed back?”

Alison nodded.

“Holy crap,” Cosima said, taking a step back and sitting on a desk. When Alison’s eyes filled with tears, her expression immediately became concerned. “What else happened?”

“I’ve never kissed a girl before,” Alison replied, trying to keep her voice from climbing into the high pitch that always accompanied her tears. “It freaked me out, so I went to find Donnie, and… he was at a party. We had…” her voice lowered, “sex.”

Now Cosima looked like she was going to faint.

“Not completely, though. Something happened.”

“What?”

“I started crying, and Donnie sort of stormed out.”

“Dude,” Cosima said, staring at Alison with wonder. “Dude, that’s… complex.”

“Tell me about it,” Alison wrapped her arms around herself and sniffled. “It’s completely effed.”

“Do you like her?”

Alison thought about the way Beth’s muscles flexed when she ran, the way she stared down at the books she read with complete concentration, and the smile that graced her beautiful face whenever she laughed at something. Taking a deep breath, Alison nodded. Maybe she wasn’t gay. Maybe it was just Beth she wanted. She had certainly never felt this way about any other girl before. Cosima hopped off the desk and wrapped her arms around Alison. For the millionth time that day, Alison let the tears flow, grateful that Cosima didn’t ask any more questions. The other girl just seemed to know what Alison needed when she was upset. It had always been that way, ever since they were kids.

“It’ll all work out, Ali.”

Alison hoped she was right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, not a big deal, but I was originally going to split this part into a series. Instead I will be posting all (2? 3?) parts in the same story. The chapter titles will be updated to reflect that. Also, have a good week sestras!


	3. Part 1 - Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a day late! I planned on uploading this sooner, but we had some shitty weather here and I didn't want to risk turning on my computer. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. It's a little fun and a little angsty.  
> No beta. We die like men.

It had taken Alison a week and a half to gain the courage to do what she was doing. Beth had been avoiding her ever since the kiss, and while Alison was grateful that she didn’t have to confront her feelings, she also felt incredibly empty. Beth had filled a loneliness in her life that Alison hadn’t known was there until it was glaringly obvious again. She had focused all her energy on being with Donnie, doing her schoolwork, and taking care of her mother when she staggered into the house drunk after all the bars had closed. Cosima had told Sarah and Felix what was going on, and she had been met with unsolicited advice on the matter.

“Dump his arse and ask out Childs,” Sarah had said. “She’s so much hotter.”

“I always knew you were more into bumper-to-bumper,” Felix said happily, earning himself a smack on the back of the head from Cosima. “Ow, god! Watch the hair.”

Alison shrugged away the conversation as she walked up the steps to Beth’s apartment. It had taken Cosima approximately five minutes to hack into the school’s mainframe and get Beth’s address. She just seemed happy that Alison had asked. She held a tupperware box in her hands that was filled with homemade cookies. She tried not to think of it as a peace offering, but that’s what it was. The week without talking to Beth had been torture, and she just needed to at least apologize for what happened. She reached the door and double checked the address on her phone. 412 – she was at the right place. It took her a good five minutes of arguing with herself before she extended a fist and knocked.

The woman who opened the door was not who she expected. Instead of Beth, a middle-aged woman stood in the doorway with an eyebrow raised. She looked nothing like Beth, standing there in sweatpants and a shirt with her hair haphazardly pulled into a ponytail.

“Can I help you?” The woman asked, “we don’t buy girl scout cookies.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Alison said quickly. “I think I’m at the wrong address.”

“Alison?”

Beth walked up behind the woman and pulled the door open wider. Alison smiled sweetly as soon as she saw her. She was wearing pajama bottoms adorned with Star Wars characers and a t-shirt, and her hair fell over her shoulders.

“You know this girl?” The woman asked, and Beth nodded.

“This is Alison, from school,” Beth said, “is it okay if we go to my room?”

The woman nodded and sauntered back over to the couch, where she sat down heavily and reached for a beer and a cigarette. Beth waved Alison inside, and she looked around the apartment. It was so different from her own home. There were barely any pictures on the walls and cardboard boxes were still sitting in various corners, labeled from the move.

Beth’s room, however, was perfect. Alison stood in the doorway and gaped, trying to take in every detail. It was so… _Beth_. Clothes littered the floor just enough to make the room seem lived in, although Alison itched to clean it already. Football trophies covered the part of a desk that wasn’t dedicated to a laptop and a lamp. The bed was unmade but looked comfortable. There was a single picture of a man on a nightstand that was holding a baby in his arms and smiling. He looked more like Beth than the woman in the living room. They had that same toothy grin and soft, brown eyes. What really caught Alison’s eye was the large bookshelf that was covered in novels. They weren’t lined up perfectly like Alison’s own books. Some had fallen over, and some were stacked vertically. It was obvious despite the clutter that Beth cherished them all.

“What are you doing here?” Beth asked, waving her in more so she could close the door.

Alison fidgeted a little and held out the container of cookies, “I made these for you.”

Beth took them and shoved some trophies aside so she could place them on her desk. “Thanks… still doesn’t answer my question, though.”

“I came to apologize,” Alison said, rapidly blinking away tears. “I’m sorry for what happened at the track. I shouldn’t have left so abruptly.”

Beth nodded and wrung her hands together. “I should be apologizing. I figured you wouldn’t want me around after that. I mean, you’re dating Donnie and all.” She shrugged.

“I always want you around, Beth,” Alison nearly whispered. “Please don’t think that.”

“So we can still be friends?” Beth asked tentatively.

“If you still want to be.”

God, she liked Beth so much. The mere idea of them not being friends was enough to make her nauseous. She still didn’t know what to do about her feelings. She couldn’t dump Donnie, not when he was trying to be a good boyfriend. And everyone expected them to date, even her parents. Maybe dating Donnie and remaining close to Beth was selfish, but she didn’t care.

“I’d like that,” Beth admitted, finally smiling. Alison thought she saw more in her eyes, like a touch of sadness, but didn’t ask about it. “What do you want to do?”

“I hadn’t planned any farther than giving you the cookies and apologizing,” Alison admitted in return, making Beth emit a beautiful, genuine laugh.

“How about we watch a movie? My mom is hogging the tv, but I have Netflix on my laptop,” she pointed to the bed. “Make yourself comfy.”

Alison slipped off her coat and her boots, placing them neatly in a chair by the door before sitting on the edge of Beth’s bed. She pushed herself back against the pillows and the headboard as she was assaulted with the smell of the covers. They smelled just like Beth, and it was making her a little dizzy.

“The Fog?”

“What?” Alison was pulled out of her silent reverie and wasn’t sure what Beth was asking.

Beth chuckled. “Have you seen The Fog? It’s a classic.”

Alison shook her head as Beth flicked off the lights and grabbed the cookies and her laptop. She became all too aware that Beth was sitting close enough to her that her left side was touching Beth’s right. She watched Beth get the movie going in silence. It quickly became apparent that Beth had chosen a horror movie, something that Alison usually avoided like the plague. Donnie always called her a baby, but she just couldn’t make it thought a scary movie without hiding behind her hands.

“Cookie?” Beth asked, and Alison eyed the container for a moment. The idea of crumbs in the bed was enough to make her bite onto her bottom lip, but this was Beth’s room, not her own. She picked up a cookie and took a bite before training her gaze on the laptop in Beth’s lap.

She tried to pay attention, she really did, but Beth was so close to her. She could feel her warm skin against her arm and kept glancing over at her profile. Beth, it seemed, was engrossed in the movie. At least she was looking at it each time Alison glanced at her. Shaking her head a little, she grabbed another cookie and told herself to pay attention to the darn movie.

That, it turned out, was a mistake. She was soon peeking through her fingers at the screen. A vengeful ghost attacked a victim, and Alison jumped, wrapping her arms around one of Beth’s and pressing her forehead into her shoulder.

“Come on Ali, if you think about it, the ghosts are in the right,” Beth said, pausing the movie.

Alison looked up at her skeptically.

“They totally got murdered first and are just getting revenge. Pay less attention to the scary bits and more to the plot, you’ll see,” Beth assured her, and then gently pulled her arm away.

Alison nodded and looked back to the screen, smiling when Beth put her arm around her shoulders and pulled her in. She let her head fall to Beth’s shoulder, and found herself completely comfortable despite the terror on the tiny screen. She didn’t remember falling asleep, but soon she was being shaken awake.

“Ali, the movie’s over. You fell asleep.”

Alison rubbed her eyes and squinted when Beth got out of bed and flicked the lights on. “I’m sorry.” She yawned and shook her head. “I am turning out to be a horrible guest.”

“You’re not,” Beth stuck her tongue out a little. “But it is late. You um… want to stay the night? No school tomorrow, so.”

“Yes,” she replied a little too eagerly. “But I haven’t brought anything to sleep in.”

Beth dug around in a drawer and tossed her shorts and a tank top. “I think we’re the same size.” She turned around and stared at the wall while Alison sheepishly changed and sat back on the bed.

“Your mom won’t mind?”

“She probably forgot you’re here by now, honestly,” Beth said, her voice sounding somewhat sad again.

Before she could ask who was sleeping where, Beth began to pull blankets out from her closet and spreading them out on the floor, motioning for Alison to take the bed. Maybe that was for the best, sleeping separately. They both knew how they felt but weren’t saying it. Soon, Alison was laying on Beth’s bed in the dark while Beth lay in the floor.

“Is your mother alright?” Alison asked, staring up at the dark ceiling.

Beth was silent for a moment before she answered. “No. She’s… messed up. She has been since my dad died.”

“Oh Beth, I’m so sorry,” Alison felt so bad for asking.

“Don’t be. He was a cop, and that’s just what happens.” Beth sounded unaffected, but Alison could sense the emotion in her voice. “We moved here to get away from the memories, you know? But she’s still upset. I think she might need a doctor or something, but I don’t know how to ask her about it.”

The girls were quiet after that. Alison waited until Beth’s breathing was slow and even, indicating she had fallen asleep. Trying to stay quiet, she slid out of the bed and crawled on her hands and knees to where Beth was laying on her side. She got under the covers behind her, moving until she was snuggled up against Beth’s back. Her arm snaked around over Beth’s stomach, and she pressed the side of her cheek to Beth’s back while their legs intertwined. She took a few deep breaths, listening to Beth breathe next to her and hearing her heartbeat. It eventually lulled her to sleep.

***

September faded into October, and football season was in full swing. The other schools in their division had been practicing hard, and it showed. The Antlers were winning most games, but the margin was much smaller than last year, and a few matchups that should have been easy victories turned into losses. Alison could tell it was taking a toll on the team. Their coach had been running them ragged during extra practices. Even if Donnie had been an awful listener before, Alison could swear he was nearly comatose on their dates. She didn’t blame him, though. She could tell he really was trying to be a better boyfriend this time around, and she was trying her best to make it work. Her decision did nothing but draw complaints from Cosima, but eventually the dreadlocked girl stopped bothering Alison about it.

Another Friday night had arrived, and with it another game. Alison had been nervous about it all day at school, barely paying attention in class and zoning out at lunch. She wanted so badly for their team to win, and they were playing a fierce opponent. A school from nearby East York that had flattened the team last year was coming back. It seemed like tension throughout the building was near a breaking point. It was stressful, but at least it gave Alison something to fixate on besides her confusing feelings for Beth. When the final bell rang, Alison quickly gathered her things and hurried to the field. They had a couple of hours to prepare, and Alison intended for the squad to be at their best.

“Cosima, what are you doing here?” She asked as she sat her duffle bag on a bench.

“Just thought I’d hang out a bit before the game. I don’t have much else to do, so,” Cosima shrugged and then perked up a little.

Alison turned and saw Delphine approaching them with Paul at her side. With a sigh, she crossed her arms and looked back to Cosima, who looked up guiltily at Alison.

“Fine, but don’t interrupt our practice.”

Cosima gave a two-fingered salute and settled back against her bag, content to read some scientific book and stare at Delphine. Alison wished that there was something she could do for her friend, but she couldn’t even sort out her own life. She took a moment to gather herself as more cheerleaders joined them. They began their stretches, and Alison rolled her eyes at the way Cosima’s hands tightened against her book while she watched Delphine. Delphine, to her credit, didn’t seem to notice or was pretending not to. Alison dug around in her bag and found a CD to pop into the small stereo at the edge of the track that circled the field.

“Pyramid formation ladies!”

As it turned out, the other members of the squad were just as nervous as she was, and it showed during practice. They each took their sport seriously, and they knew it was their job to hype up the crowd, who would in turn give their players a confidence boost. Alison did her best to pump up the squad in preparation for what was to come, but all too soon the bleachers were filling up with students and parents.

“I think you’ll all do a killer job,” Cosima said, walking up to Alison and grinning at Delphine.

“Thank you, Cosima,” Delphine said softly as she reached over to squeeze the girl’s hand.

Alison narrowed her eyes slightly at the exchange, but her attention was soon turned to Sarah and Felix, who had hopped the fence rather than pay the $5 admission.

“Ripped my bloody pants on the fence,” Sarah muttered.

“They’re already covered in holes,” Alison said. “And you know the admission fees help the team.”

“They’ll live without our ten dollars, darling,” Felix said, pulling Alison into a hug. “Come on Cosima. Someone will take our spot.”

“No smoking!” Alison called towards their backs, but she was ignored.

She wanted to question Delphine about Cosima, but the announcers decided to get the festivities started. She ushered the squad into a small circle and placed her hands on both Delphine and Aynsley’s shoulders.

“This is it, girls. Our biggest game yet. I have nothing but full confidence in all of you. Let’s go out there and do our best!”

Before she could say much more, the announcer’s voice boomed out over the loudspeakers and introduced the Antlers. Alison cheered loudly with the entire home crowd as they ran onto the field. She spotted Donnie, who grinned and blew her a kiss. She pretended to catch it before her eyes caught sight of Beth. She had actively ignored the team’s warmup practice because she hadn’t wanted to be distracted, but now she could stare all she wanted to. Beth’s hair was tied back into a ponytail at the base of her neck, and while she was the smallest on the team, the look in her eyes was the most determined. Their gazes met, and Beth winked before putting on her helmet. Alison tried to ignore the flutter that went through her chest at the gesture.

Just as everyone had predicted, the game got intense quickly. Alison tried her best not to wince at the hard tackles that their team was receiving. Donnie and Paul were both roughed up in the first few minutes, and she could tell the team was getting tired fast. The cheerleaders did their best to hype up the crowd, and it did seem to help. It seemed like having Beth on the team was one of their only saving grace’s. Beth was quick on her feet and had yet to be caught when given the ball. It was the only reason the game was tied as the second quarter started. The boys from East York seemed to be built like tanks, but none of them were quick enough to stop Beth.

She watched them line up for another play, eyeing the large boy that was positioned in front of Beth. East York had the ball, and after the snap, chaos erupted on the field. It seemed like the play dragged on for an eternity, but it had only been a few seconds. Alison watched the players begin to move as another boy from East York joined the one covering Beth. The three of them collided, hard, and Alison heard the crack from their helmets meeting. The targeting was against the rules, seeing as how Beth neither had the ball nor was she going for their quarterback. She had barely taken a step before they had double-teamed her. One landed on top of her, and the other rolled to the side, clutching his leg. She was up and running onto the field before the ref even blew his whistle.

She made it as the boy was moving off her and pulling off his helmet. The crowd was silent as they all looked at Beth, who lay unmoving on the turf. Alison’s breath left her as she crouched down opposite the EMT that they kept on hand for each game. She clutched Beth’s hand, not daring to speak again as the EMT lifted one eyelid and shined a light in her eye. A muttering broke out among both crowds, and Alison’s eyes filled with tears. Beth was breathing, but not responding to the EMT.

“Beth,” Alison whispered, finding her voice again. “Please wake up.”

A stretcher was brought onto the field, and Alison finally felt Beth’s hand squeeze her own.

“Ouch…” Beth cracked open one eye. “Did we win?”

Alison let a sob escape and laughed, although it was out of relief rather than humor.

“She probably has a concussion,” the EMT said, “we’ll need to take her to the hospital.”

“Oi!”

She turned to see Sarah had rushed the field and was heading for one of the players who tackled Beth, followed by Felix and Cosima.

“Cheap shot! You bloody creep!” She kicked the boy hard in the shin and jumped on him, locking her arms around his neck.

“Fight!” Felix screamed as he grabbed a player’s facemask and tried to pull him to the ground.

A minor skirmish erupted on the field in which two of the East York players shoved Felix and Cosima, causing Delphine to enter the fray. Paul and Donnie followed as punches started to fly. Alison just winced and held onto Beth’s hand as the adults tried to break up the fight. When one of the boys had the audacity to punch Cosima hard in the stomach, causing her to double over and struggle to catch her breath, Alison had enough. She let go of Beth’s hand just to run in and punch the boy hard in the eye.

It was over rather quickly, with cooler heads prevailing and pulling their teammates out of the fight. Alison wiped her nose and saw her hand come away with blood, but she didn’t care. Her friends looked worse than she did as the coaches screamed at the players and ejected them from the game. She didn’t care, though. Seeing her friends hurt had been enough to make Alison snap.

“Why’d you do that, idiot?” Beth asked, though her voice came out thick and tired. “You’re hurt.”

“So are you,” Alison said, tilting her head back as she walked alongside the stretcher.

She knew they would all be suspended for what happened, but for the time being she was just happy to have Beth conscious. Donnie walked beside them, holding his helmet in one hand as his eye started to swell shut.

“They totally deserved it, Childs,” Donnie said. “That was a cheap shot and they know it. I’ll drive Ali to the hospital, and we’ll be in the waiting room.”

Beth moved her eyes tiredly to look at Donnie and smiled. “Sounds like a plan… Jan.” She giggled softly and yawned.

“Stay awake, please,” Alison said, hating how nasal her voice sounded as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Promise.”

After they arrived, it was almost three hours before they could see Beth. By the time the doctor was letting them back, the entire group had gathered in the waiting room nursing various bumps and bruises. Delphine would place her hand on Cosima’s stomach gingerly and then go on a French rant every few minutes while Paul nodded in agreement. Sarah and Felix were dealing with black eyes and bruises along the sides of their faces, but at least nobody needed medical treatment. Alison pressed an ice pack to her nose and leaned back in her seat, sighing. It was a relief when the doctor showed up and said Beth would be just fine in a few days. They filed into her small room, finding Beth laying back in the bed.

“You all look like shit.”

“You are one to speak, Elizabeth Childs,” Alison hissed, grabbing her hand. “Don’t ever scare me like that again, or I will kill you myself.”

“What Alison means to say is that we are super glad you’re okay,” Cosima said, bumping Alison’s hip with her own.

“We are all going to be suspended,” Paul muttered, holding his hand to his side with a wince.

“Worth it,” Felix chimed in. “You should have heard the string of expletives that left Sarah’s mouth as soon as you went down. It was enough to make me blush.”

“Well I was right, wasn’t I? Pack of absolute arseholes,” Sarah thumbed her nose and frowned at the floor.

“I think we should all call it a night,” Cosima said, seeming to sense that Alison wanted to be alone with Beth. “I don’t know about you, but I’m still not sure this isn’t a pot induced fever dream.”

They all said goodbye to Beth, even Donnie who was going back to the waiting room. As soon as they were gone, Alison turned her attention back to Beth. She reached out and moved a stray strand of hair to the side before cupping Beth’s cheek.

“You scared the _shit_ out of me,” Alison whispered.

Beth’s eyes widened a little, but she smiled. “Such language Ms. Hendrix. What would your mother say?”

“Oh stop,” she hit Beth’s shoulder lightly and then bit down on her lip. “You’re my best friend, Beth. I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t. I’ll be fine in a few days,” Beth yawned.

“But you were laying there, not moving. I could hardly breathe, Beth.”

“I promise you’re going to have to put up with me until you get bored and make me leave.”

“I will never get bored of you, silly,” Alison grasped Beth’s hand again and ran her thumb over Beth’s knuckles.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Alison moved her hand higher and continuously stroked the soft skin of Beth’s arm. She didn’t say it, but each movement sent tingles of electricity from her fingertips to her chest. The silence enveloped them for a few minutes before Beth yawned again.

“You should go home and get some sleep. They finally got ahold of my mom, and she’s on her way.”

“If you need anything at all…” Alison started, but didn’t finish.

That awkward feeling of things unsaid had descended upon them yet again. Alison lightly cupped Beth’s cheek and leaned down to press a kiss onto Beth’s forehead, lingering only for a moment. She pulled away and made it to the door before Beth spoke again.

“Ali?”

“Yes?”

“There is one thing I need,” Beth muttered, smiling a little. “I could die for some of your chocolate chip cookies tomorrow.”

Alison smiled enough to scrunch her nose.

“Consider it done.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am also on twitter (luthorzorels) and tumblr (ariaszorel). A lot of content there is my current obsession (supergirl and supercorp). Feel free to follow me there! I'll even answer questions about the fic on my tumblr or here, if you all have any. Have a killer week!


	4. Part 1 - Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I give you Christmas in May. Alison screws up again, but we still love her anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day late again! Maybe I should just update every Thursday, lol. I have had a great week! Finals are over, and I got a new job. I hope you all are having a good week, too. Thank you for reading!
> 
> No beta.

Before they knew it, the Christmas season was upon them. Much to her friends’ annoyance, Alison had not broken up with Donnie or told Beth how she really felt. She had carried on dating this boy who she had to continually convince herself she was in love with, and eventually she had herself believing it. Almost. One thing she couldn’t convince herself, though, was that she was happy.

The biggest gossip of the school year thus far had happened in November, when Delphine had unceremoniously dumped Paul Dierden and began openly dating Cosima. Alison watched them both with happiness and deep set jealousy, although she never showed the latter. Beth had begun to hang out less and less with the jock crowd and more with Alison’s little group of rag tag misfits. So their little group had grown from four to six, and they were all happy that Delphine had a car big enough to take them all to the mall.

Alison sat heavily on a bench and took inventory of her bags. They had separated as soon as they arrived in order to buy each other presents and were planning on meeting at the food court in an hour to have lunch. It was a tradition that they were more than happy to include Delphine and Beth in. There was nothing quite like retail therapy for Alison. Picking out the perfect presents for each of her friends and imagining the smiles on their faces when they opened them made her feel so much better. The gifts were stuffed in reusable shopping bags, as per tradition, because the first year they had all figured out what they were getting when they saw the company logos on the sides.

Alison had gotten a gift for everyone except Beth. They had become so close, and Beth still meant so much to her, but she was at a loss. Everyone else was easy to shop for, but Beth was different, special. She had even resorted to the internet for ideas, but it had yielded no results. Something like a necklace would be too intimate, and a gift card seemed so impersonal. She looked around the mall as she racked her brain for something good. Her eyes landed on one particular store, and she grinned before grabbing her bags and walking off quickly.

“I’m all shopped out,” Felix announced as he sat down and let his bags drop to the floor.

They had all gathered in the food court, and Alison was sipping a chocolate shake. It wasn’t really a substantial lunch, but this was a special occasion. Sarah sat next to him, and Cosima was next to her, sitting in Delphine’s lap with her arms around her neck. Beth was the last to join them, sliding in the chair next to Alison and offering to share her fries.

“When have you ever been tired of shopping?” Alison asked, cocking her head to the side.

“Figure of speech, darling,” he grinned and took a french fry.

“Delphine is so hard to shop for,” Cosima pouted, making Delphine laugh and kiss her. Alison’s shoulders slumped slightly and she looked away.

“Just give her an all access pass to your knickers, yeah?” Sarah snorted, and they all laughed.

Alison’s phone buzzed, and she looked down at a message from Donnie. Would she like to go to Paul’s later? She said she would and then turned her phone on silent before sliding it back into her pocket. He was making an effort to be better to her, and for that she was grateful. He hadn’t tried to initiate anything sexual ever since that disastrous night, and she knew he wouldn’t do so unless she said it was okay.

“I’m so glad we only have one week left of school before break,” she said happily. “I just love Christmas!”

Beth grinned at her and rubbed her back. “Me too. When are we exchanging gifts?”

“We usually do it at Alison’s,” Sarah said. “When school lets out on Friday.”

It was a few days before Christmas, but then everyone was going to spend the actual day with their families’. It made the most sense. They usually made an evening of it. Alison would cook them all a huge meal while Christmas movies played in the den. If her mother was around, she would help Alison cook, but that was a rare occurrence. They would eat and open presents at the table before Sarah and Felix would raid the Hendrix liquor cabinet, something that her mother never noticed they did. Nice clothes would be replaced with pajamas, and Cosima would produce several joints. Eventually everyone would pass out either on the couches or on the floor of the den. Alison’s favorite part was having breakfast with her best friends the next morning. They were all a family, and being together like that made her the happiest she had ever been. It would be even better this year with Delphine and Beth.

“What did you get me?” Felix asked Cosima.

“Condoms and lube,” she deadpanned.

“Cosima!” Alison said, chastising her. “We’re in public.”

“You’d think she’d be used to it by now,” Sarah muttered, rolling her eyes.

Alison tutted at them all and went back to sipping her shake. She _was_ used to it, but that didn’t mean she had to condone inappropriate behavior.

“What’d you get me?” Beth asked, keeping her voice low enough just for Alison to hear as the rest of them began a heated argument over which reindeer was best.

“It’s a surprise,” Alison said, smiling sweetly and wide enough to show off her teeth. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Whatever it is, it’s not going to beat my present for you,” Beth warned with mock seriousness.

Alison longed to ask what it was, but she knew she would get her same answer returned to her. “We’ll see about that, Childs.”

Beth dipped a fry into Alison’s shake before she could stop her and popped it into her mouth. “It’s on.”

***

The final bell on Friday afternoon was the best thing that Alison had heard in awhile. School, football, and cheerleading were officially on break. The final game would be the week they returned in January before Rugby got into full swing, and Alison wasn’t surprised to learn that Beth was going to be playing with the guys. She gathered her things and nearly ran out to Delphine’s SUV. She climbed into the back seat next to Felix and joined in the Christmas carols he was belting out while they waited on Sarah and Beth to join them.

Delphine didn’t mind stopping at four different homes so their friends could run inside and grab the presents and an overnight bag before they got to Alison’s. Her parents’ cars weren’t in the garage or the driveway, so she assumed they would have the house to themselves for the night.

“What are you cooking?” Delphine asked as Alison unlocked the door and their friends blew past them.

“I always make glazed ham for the meat eaters and lots of veggies for Cosima. She will be happy she’s not the only vegetarian this year,” Alison smiled and waved Delphine inside. She wasn’t close to the French girl, but she was glad to have her over if she made Cosima happy.

“You mean _vag_ etarian!” Felix shouted.

“Felix!” Alison shouted. “Do you want dessert or not!”

“Sorry mother,” he sighed as she joined them in the den.

They were all placing the presents they bought under the immaculately decorated tree, next to the ones that Alison had already wrapped. She left Sarah to get the fireplace and the television going as she made her way to the kitchen. She was grateful that her mother had been sober long enough to buy the groceries that Alison had requested. The woman knew how important this night was to her, at least. She found her pink apron and began setting out the supplies and preheating the oven.

“Need some help?”

She jumped a little and turned away from the counter, seeing Beth standing in the archway.

“Oh, Beth. You startled me,” Alison said, placing her hand on her chest. “I can handle this. I always cook everything myself.”

Beth frowned and moved to sit at the island in the middle of the large kitchen. “You stay in here all by yourself every year?”

Alison nodded and began making the glaze. “I don’t mind. I like listening to them all having fun. It’s like cooking for a big family.”

“Well, this year would you mind a little company?”

Alison smiled and shook her head. Her chest ached every time she looked at Beth. That kissed seemed like it happened years ago, not months. She longed to kiss her again, but neither of them had brought it up after the night Alison had apologized to her.

“So, will Donnie be here?”

“No,” she said quickly. “He eats dinner with my parents and I on Christmas Eve.”

“That must be fun.”

Alison chuckled and shook her head. “Both of my parents in the same room is _not_ fun.” She glanced at Beth and her lips made a thin line. “I’m sorry. You don’t need to be burdened with my problems.”

“Hey, you know about mine,” Beth said, smiling warmly. “If you ever wanted to talk about it, I’m a great listener. Maybe not so good with the advice, but both of my ears work great.”

Alison was silent as she measured out the cinnamon and brown sugar, pouring them into a bowl of honey and stirring quickly. “My father is hardly here. I see him early in the mornings on some days, but that’s it. He’s a lawyer, and he works all the time.” Her voice was quiet as she focused on the task at hand. “And my mom is never here either. She’s home during the day sometimes, but I’m always at school. She’s gone to the bar or a friend’s house before I get home. She usually doesn’t come home until late, and she’s always drunk.” She blinked away tears and shook her head. “I’ve learned to be very self-sufficient.”

“I’m sorry, Ali,” Beth muttered. “They don’t realize what a great daughter they have.”

Alison stopped stirring and covered her mouth with her hand when the tears spilled over. She didn’t want to become a blubbering mess on one of her favorite days of the year. She took a moment to compose herself and flicked the tears away with her fingers. When she spoke, her voice was calm.

“That’s why those dummies in the den mean so much to me.”

“They all love you,” Beth said. “It’s obvious. You’re their sister.”

Alison smiled a little at that and started washing vegetables. Without her friends, she didn’t know what would have happened. They were always there for her when she needed them. She was starting to count Beth in with them, too. The girl always knew what to say.

“Well, you’re one of us now, too.” She said happily. “Like it or not.”

“Goonies never say die?”

“You’re such a nerd, Elizabeth Childs.”

***

The groans of pain that emitted from her friends as they leaned away from the dinner table and clutched their stomachs was music to Alison’s ears. She laughed when Cosima shoveled another bite of dessert into her mouth and immediately regretted it.

“Why do you have to cook so well?” She asked, directing a glare at Alison.

“You’re welcome,” Alison said before licking the last of the frosting off of her fork.

A mutter of thanks came from the rest of them at the table, and Cosima once again took another bite and whined. Felix was the first to push himself up and head into the den to carry in presents while Alison cleared the table. She wrapped up some food for Sarah and Felix to take home since she knew their adoptive mother, known to the group as Mrs. S, loved her cooking too. When all the presents were passed out and they all had their own little pile in front of them, Alison nodded and they all tore into them.

She had gotten a lovely pink cardigan from Delphine, a new Nicholas Sparks book from Cosima (the girl knew about her secret obsession with his stories), a pair of short leather boots that she wasn’t sure she could pull off from Sarah, and a new eyeshadow pallet from Felix. She had subconsciously waited to open Beth’s present last. As she tore the paper and listened to Cosima thank her for the comic books she had given her, she noticed her hands trembling a little.

She knew it was a book before she finished unwrapping it. She flipped it over and ran her hands over the cover, smiling at the title. It was The Awakening, the book that Beth had been reading the day of the first football game. She opened it and saw Beth had written a note on the inside cover.

_Ali,_

_I can’t believe you’ve never read this book. It may be super depressing, but it’s a classic, and so up your alley. I’m so glad I moved here and met you. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I wasn’t sure I would like it here, and I thought I would want to go right back home, but you make me want to stay. You’re perfect. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel any less. Merry Christmas._

_Beth_

Alison looked up at her with tears in her eyes. Beth was holding the present that Alison had got her, which, she realized, was definitely not as good as this one. It was a nice watch that Alison thought Beth would like. Small, with a black leather band and a silver face. She had paid extra to get it inscribed. It said, “To Beth, always. Love, Ali.” She worried her lip and opened her mouth to ask if Beth liked it and to apologize if she didn’t, but Beth spoke first.

“I love it,” Beth said, tearing her eyes away from the inscription and smiling at Alison. “It’s… the best present I’ve ever gotten.”

“Really?” Alison asked, feeling relived. “It’s not as good as yours.” She held up the book.

“Agree to disagree?”

“Fine,” Alison smiled and took the watch, leaning over to put it on Beth’s wrist.

Neither of them noticed that their friends had gone silent and were watching them.

Felix cleared his throat, “Speaking of lesbians, Cosima, Delphine, thank you for these.” He held up the Hot Topic studs and bracelets while Alison’s cheeks burned a bright red.

“Time for booze, yeah!?” Sarah shouted before pushing herself up and leading the way to the den.

Alison’s mother kept her liquor on a cabinet that had a lock on it, but was never used. It turned out to be too hard for her to unlock it when she was wasted. Instead, she kept it unlocked and trusted Alison not to drink any of it. She needn’t worry, though. Alison had no interest in drinking. At least, not in excess.

She accepted the cup of vodka that was passed to her and sipped it, wincing at the burn while she made herself comfortable on the couch. Cosima turned up some Christmas music and started to dance, pulling Delphine up to move with her. It was dark outside, but Alison could see white snowflakes hitting the window and knew she would be shoveling the driveway tomorrow so her friends could actually get home. Felix began mixing booze with the eggnog that he swiped from the kitchen and passing that out, too. Alison declined. One drink was enough for her. They all knew not to press her to drink.

Sarah joined the dancing, and then so did Felix. Beth was the only one of her friends who stayed on the couch. She was also the only one who wasn’t drinking anything with alcohol, having asked for just eggnog. Alison vaguely wondered how Cosima could dance so sexily to Jingle Bell Rock. She took another sip of the vodka and kicked off her shoes, not caring for one night about making a mess.

“Why are you smiling?” Beth asked.

“I’m happy,” Alison replied grabbing Beth’s hand and lacing their fingers together. “Look at us all. Who knows if we’ll all be together like this next year? Cosima is going to the states for school, and Felix wants to go to art school. I’m not sure about Sarah or Delphine, but people tend to drift apart.”

She grew wistful and grabbed her phone, ushering them all onto the couch so she could get some good pictures before they all got drunk. They weren’t happy about having the party interrupted, but Alison managed to get a good one of all of them with the time delay. The party resumed as Alison smiled down at her phone.

“Here, smile for me,” Alison said before snapping a picture of Beth. She thought the picture captured her perfectly, because the smile had morphed into a laugh when Felix told a joke just before Alison pressed the shutter button. She looked at it in awe for a moment before putting her phone away.

Sometime after the third bottle of liquor was being opened, Alison found herself laying back on the couch with her head in Beth’s lap. The dancing had died down and they were watching Harry Potter after Cosima had argued vehemently that the winter scenes constituted counting it as a Christmas movie. Beth was absentmindedly running her fingers through Alison’s hair, and it was making Alison tired. Felix was sprawled out on the other couch, and Sarah was nursing a bottle of rum on the recliner.

“Please do not deflower my mother’s favorite comforter,” she said to Cosima and Delphine, who were getting extremely touchy on the floor in front of her.

“Where’s your Christmas spirit?” Cosima asked and then giggled and gasped as Delphine kissed her neck and nipped her earlobe.

Alison huffed and rolled onto her back so she could look up at Beth. The other girl was paying attention to the movie, and Alison reached up to boop her nose. She laughed when Beth jumped a little and smiled down at her.

“Pajama time?” She asked, and Beth nodded.

The movie was paused, which caused protests from Cosima and Sarah, but they all needed to change before it got too late. Alison hurried upstairs to pull on her fuzzy pink pajamas and carried down more blankets and pillows so everyone could make themselves comfortable. She rolled her eyes slightly when she saw Cosima was lighting a joint and sucking in, making the weed crackle as she inhaled. It went around the room before Felix got up to hand it to Alison. She stared at it for a moment before sucking in the hot smoke and holding it in for a few seconds. Cosima cheered and restarted the movie.

Alison held the joint out to Beth, who took it and mimicked Alison’s movements. She began to feel a little light and airy as she resumed her position with her head in Beth’s lap. Cosima often said that the drug mellowed her out, but it always made Alison feel giddy. Beth had resumed moving her fingers through Alison’s hair, and Alison smiled lazily up at her. She was just so _beautiful_. Donnie didn’t make her feel this way. She doubted he ever would.

One by one, her friends fell asleep. It was almost comical, the way Cosima had fallen asleep on Delphine’s shoulder with her hand up the front of her camisole. Felix snored loudly, a sound that annoyed Alison to no end. She rolled away from the credits of the movie and saw Beth was still awake, too.

“Aren’t you tired?” She whispered.

“No,” Beth said, clicking off the movie. The only light now was from the fire and the lights that glimmered on the tree.

Alison pushed herself up and grabbed Beth’s hand. “Come on, I want to show you something.”

She pulled the girl over to the tree and laid on her back before scooting closer so her head was under the limbs. Beth did the same and Alison turned to watch her face while she looked up at all of the lights.

“Wow,” Beth muttered.

Alison grabbed her hand and squeezed it before looking at the lights herself. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“It’s like being in a dream world,” Alison sighed happily.

“Alison.”

She turned her head and saw Beth was no longer looking at the lights, but had also turned her head. She was face to face with her, and felt her breath fan out over her lips. _Holy freaking Christmas cake_. It was like they were back on the track all of those months ago. Her mind was screaming to get control of herself, but she just couldn’t. Apparently Beth couldn’t either, because she scooted an inch closer and their lips met.

Whatever resolve she had crumbled into pieces as Beth kissed her. She rolled onto her side and placed her hand on Beth’s cheek, deepening the kiss. She had wanted to do this for months. Beth’s hand ran up her side, causing her to shiver. Alison barely held in a groan when she felt Beth’s tongue move across her bottom lip. She parted her own, and then a small moan did escape her as she tasted Beth for the first time. When Beth’s hand moved from her side to her chest, she gasped and broke the kiss.

“Beth,” she said as she caught her breath. “What… what are we doing?”

“Do you not want to…?”

“I don’t know,” Alison worried her lip between her teeth. There was a fire in her belly and an ache between her legs, but she knew her boundaries. “I don’t think I’m ready.”

“We don’t have to,” Beth caressed her cheek, and Alison leaned her head into the touch, closing her eyes. “We could just…”

She moved her hand to the back of Alison’s neck and tugged her back down. The kiss resumed, and this time, Beth kept her hands in safe territory. She didn’t think she would ever get tired of kissing Beth. There were so many new sensations and feelings that she was experiencing. Eventually she had to pull away for air, but she kept her forehead against Beth’s as she panted heavily.

“Wait here,” Beth said before leaning in and kissing her quickly. She got up and returned with a blanket and a pillow for them to share. “This place is as good a place as any to crash.”

Alison wrapped her arm around Beth’s middle, sliding it under her tank top so they would be warm skin on skin. Beth let Alison use her arm as a pillow and traced shapes on her shoulder. They both knew that this had complicated things, but neither one of them wanted to discuss it. Alison closed her eyes and nuzzled Beth’s neck as her breathing grew slower and steadier.

“Night, Ali.”

She wasn’t sure if she told Beth goodnight or just thought it.

***

The next morning, Alison woke up slowly, feeling another body next to her. She smiled and blinked her eyes open taking in Beth’s sleeping form next to her. The previous night came flooding back in, and she remembered how it felt to kiss Beth and be intimately close to her. It was a wonderful feeling. Then, her mind turned to Donnie, and she worriedly bit her lip. This was the complete opposite of being friends with someone. Friends didn’t make out underneath Christmas trees. She supposed she had been fooling herself all along when it came to Beth. She would never be just a friend to her.

Moving slowly so as not to wake her or any of her snoozing friends, she untangled her legs from Beth’s and pushed herself up, stretching and yawning. If she knew her friends, most of them would be in need of a good breakfast to nurse their hangovers. Guilt was gnawing at her stomach as she looked out of the back doors into the yard. Snow covered everything in a perfect white blanket, and drifts went halfway up the fence in some places. She thought about the look on Donnie’s face when he had apologized to her all of those months ago. He had been so sincere. And here she was, a _cheater_. She fingered the cross pendant that hung on a necklace around her neck and sighed.

She eventually tore herself away from the view and busied herself with coffee, bacon, eggs, and toast. Judging by the lack of either of her parents, her father must have stayed overnight in his office and her mother was god knows where. She didn’t worry, though. This was the norm. She let out another sigh and poured orange juice. Sarah was the first one to wander into the kitchen, looking like she’d been hit by a train.

“I think I’m dead,” she said, sitting at the island. “Or at least I wish I was.”

“You consumed half a bottle of rum,” Alison quipped and pushed the juice towards Sarah when she groaned and dropped her head to her arms. “Drink this, you’ll feel better. If you need to throw up, do it in the powder room.”

The rest of them trickled into the kitchen, all looking like zombies except for Beth. Alison avoided meeting the girl’s eyes because she knew if she saw that face looking at her, questioning her, she would start crying again. Each time someone asked a question, she would answer cheerfully, but her smile never met her eyes. Nobody missed the fact that she wasn’t really speaking or looking at Beth. The guilt had taken away her appetite, so she only ate a piece of toast before excusing herself to go upstairs and change. When she was sufficiently bundled up, she trudged back downstairs.

“If anyone needs me, I’ll be out clearing the driveway!” She shouted before grabbing the shovel and shivering as soon as she stepped onto the front porch.

As she suspected, there was no way Delphine would be able to get her car onto the road with the feet of snow surrounding it. She turned her head side to side, cracking her neck, and then started making a path to the car. She was alone for a few minutes when she heard the front door open and close.

“Cosima puked in a pretty expensive looking vase.”

She turned and saw Beth there, now bundled up as well. Her chest gave a painful ache and she nodded once, clenching her jaw tightly.

“Just… thought you’d want to know.”

She turned to go back inside.

“Beth, wait.”

Alison leaned on the shovel and watched the girl turn back towards her. Beth avoided looking right at her, and it made Alison want to reach out and tug her chin up with two fingers. She stayed where she was, though.

“About last night…”

Beth shook her head. “Just forget about it.”

“But I-“

“I can tell you feel bad. I’ve never seen anyone look so guilty before. You’re with Donnie, and last night was just a… vodka and pot induced mistake.”

Alison wanted to scream that it wasn’t. Even if she had been sober, she would have wanted last night to happen. She _knew_ that Beth understood that. The girl was giving her an out, and it broke her heart to see the dejected way Beth shrugged her shoulders like it didn’t matter. She could see the pain in Beth’s eyes, even if the girl wouldn’t admit it.

“I won’t tell anyone, so don’t worry,” Beth added.

Before Alison could say anything, Beth left her outside, and Alison stared at the closed front door for a good two minutes before she blinked and shook her head. Beth was so upset. And it was Alison’s fault. She didn’t want to hurt Donnie, that was true, but that meant hurting Beth. She sniffled once as she started to cry. Just the fact that Beth couldn’t meet her eyes made her want to curl in on herself. She began shoveling snow as she cried, and when she reached the car, she did something that she rarely did.

“Shit!” She screamed, kicking the tire of the car and making ice clatter to the ground. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Each expletive was accented with a kick, and soon she was sitting with her back against the tire, crying into her gloves.

It took her almost half an hour before she composed herself enough to go back inside and act like everything was fine until her friends left.


	5. Part 1 - Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be the end of part one, pals! I hope you all still enjoy reading this as much as I am enjoying revisiting it and finishing it. Part two will be posted in this same fic, so feel free to subscribe if you want to get update emails! Thank you all for reading, you're all lovely!

Things after that were tense and awkward within the group. Christmas came and went, and so did the new year, and soon it was time to return to school. Alison hadn’t seen much of any of her friends during the break, and she hadn’t spoken to Beth at all. She had partly hoped that Beth would still want to be friends, but after what happened, it was obvious that wasn’t the case. Sarah and Felix had gone overseas with their mother for the rest of the break, and Cosima was attached to Delphine’s hip. On what few skype and group calls she participated in, Beth was never there. She knew they still talked to Beth, but none of them asked what transpired between them.

At lunch, Beth sat on the far end of their friend group, and Alison noticed she was becoming good friends with Sarah. She burned with jealousy, but knew she had no right to feel that way. Alison looked up at Donnie, who smiled at her and reached over to grab her hand. She smiled in return and leaned over the table to give him a quick peck on the lips. Paul was now smiling too next to Donnie. Apparently, after Delphine dumped him, he had started talking to Aynsley, who dumped Chad over the winter break and began dating him instead. It was enough to make her head spin.

“It feels like my parents got a divorce,” Cosima whispered in her ear and nodded her head towards Beth.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Cosima,” Alison replied tersely for what seemed like the billionth time. She had never walled herself off when it came to the other girl, and she knew it was frustrating. Cosima just shook her head and squeezed her shoulder for a moment. Alison wished she wouldn’t do that. It seemed like she was crying at the drop of a hat these days. She had messed things up with Beth once already, but this time felt different. She didn’t think Beth would forgive her this time.

The entire week dragged by, and she was beginning to wish school hadn’t started again. It was easier to deal with Beth not speaking to her when she didn’t have to see her every day. Friday arrived, bringing with it the last football game of their senior year. Alison climbed onto the cheer bus that would be taking them to the rival stadium. It was technically neutral ground, since it was the only high school stadium in the area that was indoors, and both teams were borrowing it. They had experienced a tumultuous season so far, and they were all ready for it to be over. Alison was excited enough to forget her worries as the girls sang and braided each other’s hair during the long ride there. She didn’t expect her friends to make the trip, and she also hadn’t bothered charging her phone, either. It was dead in her bag, but she didn’t care. This was something she needed to enjoy. It was the only thing she had actually been looking forward to.

The squad filed into the stadium, shivering in the cold while heading straight for the free hot chocolate before they went to sit on the grass. The artificial lights on the huge ceiling made it seem like the middle of the day, even though it was dark and snowing outside. To her surprise, Donnie jogged out of the locker room and sat next to her.

“I’m pretty nervous,” he admitted.

“That’s not a bad thing,” she said, leaning over and resting her head on his shoulder. “I would be too. But you’ll be amazing, Donnie. I just know it. And if any scouts do show up, I know you’ll impress them.”

He smiled and kissed her, and she kissed him back. She wanted this to work with him, and she was not going to let it get messed up. He stood, and Alison, feeling uncharacteristically happy, reached out and patted his butt before he ran off. She finished her hot chocolate and looked up at the crowd. A few students were there, and a handful of dedicated parents sparsely populated their side of the stands. Even with a low turnout, Alison always gave one hundred percent of her energy into their routines.

“Alright!” She shouted, shaking her pompoms. “Feeling good, antlers!?”

A less than enthusiastic cheer was given by the people still trying to warm up. Alison took it in stride as the squad danced and cheered. Their team took the field, and Alison immediately noticed that Beth was missing from the lineup. Frowning, she searched the team three and four times during the national anthem.

“Where’s Beth?” She whispered to Delphine.

“I do not know,” she replied in her airy French accent. “I haven’t checked my phone since we got on the bus.”

The fist kickoff signaled the start of the game, and then it was too late to check phones anyway. Alison kept cheering on the team and Donnie, but her mind was racing a million miles a minute. Beth was probably just under the weather. That had to be it.

“I’m sure she is fine,” Delphine tried to reassure her.

“She wouldn’t miss the last game.”

“She must be ill.”

Alison hoped that was the case. She was and always had been a worrier. It was annoying even to her. Even though she was concerned that Beth was missing the last game, she was also somewhat relieved. Ever since the concussion months earlier, she hated seeing Beth take the field. Even though no serious injuries had happened since, it always made Alison’s stomach knot up with anxiety. At halftime, Alison and Delphine both ran to their bags, and Alison tapped her foot impatiently while Delphine grabbed her phone.

“This is strange,” she said, scrolling through the lockscreen. “I have several missed calls from Cosima and Sarah. Oh… oh _mon dieu._ ”

“What?” Alison shouted.

“Beth is at the hospital,” Delphine said.

Alison felt like she was going to faint.

“She is fine,” Delphine said quickly. “It is her mother. Cosima says Beth left early last period because her mother tried to… _merde_.”

Alison took the phone and scanned the message while her eyes filled with tears. A neighbor had found Beth’s mother slumped over in the car and called for an ambulance. She covered her mouth and stared at the message in horror. She needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible, but they were stuck there until the game was over. She wrapped her arms around Delphine and cried into her shoulder. Their cheer coach let Aynsley take the lead, something that the blonde was more than happy to do, while Delphine and Alison sat on a bench for the rest of the game.

It felt like the final half was taking an eternity. Donnie kept shooting worried looks at her, but she just shook her head and leaned against Delphine. Would Beth even want her at the hospital? It didn’t matter, she decided. She needed to be there for her. If only she hadn’t been so careless with her phone. The antlers won their final game, making them the champions of their division. Alison couldn’t care less. She sat silently in the back of the bus while Delphine spoke to Cosima on her phone. Beth’s mother was alive, but she had taken an entire bottle of painkillers. They were trying to revive her and it didn’t look good.

When they got to the school, Delphine drove them both to the hospital, and they found their friends in the waiting room. Beth’s eyes were red, but she wasn’t crying. Sarah and Felix looked stony faced, and Cosima leaped up and into Delphine’s arms. Alison messed with the hem of her skirt while Delphine explained why they weren’t there earlier.

“Did we win?” Beth asked, her voice coming out flat. It was the first thing Beth had said to her in weeks.

Alison nodded and Beth resumed looking at the clock. She knew that right now, this was about Beth, not about how awful Alison felt for not being there. Not knowing what else to do, she took a seat next to Cosima and ran one shaky hand over her face. Nobody spoke much for the next half hour until a doctor and a nurse walked into the waiting room and straight up to Beth.

“Your mother is stable. She’s going to make it, but there are some things we need to talk about. You’re eighteen, right?”

Beth nodded.

“If you’ll just come with me to my office,” he said somberly and then held his hand up to her friends, who had all stood. “Just Miss Childs, please.”

Alison and the others sat back down and watched her go.

“That’s not good,” Felix said.

“They said she was alright,” Alison said hopefully.

“But she tried to off herself,” Sarah shook her head and shifted in the seat so she was hanging her legs off of the arm. “They probably want to put her in the loony bin. And that would leave Beth alone.”

“Psychiatric facility,” Alison scolded. “It’s not a loony bin.”

Sarah shrugged in response.

“Either way, it’s not good,” Felix reiterated.

Beth returned almost an hour later, and by then they were pushing three in the morning. Still, none of them had fallen asleep or went home. She stood in the doorway with her arms wrapped around herself, and Alison was taken aback by how vulnerable she looked. Usually Beth exuded strength, but now she looked like a broken, small child.

“They’re keeping her here,” she muttered. “Checking her into the psych ward.”

“For how long?” Sarah asked.

“I don’t know,” Beth kicked at the floor with the toe of her sneaker. “They said something’s wrong mentally.” She tapped her temple.

Nobody quite knew what to say to that. Alison longed to wrap her arms around Beth and tell her it was going to be okay, but she couldn’t. And she doubted anything would be okay for a while.

“Can I stay with you?” Beth asked Sarah and Felix, who nodded immediately. Mrs. S wouldn’t turn Beth away, not when she heard what happened.

Beth’s bottom lip trembled as she muttered a thanks, and Alison watched once again with envy as Sarah hugged her. She knew that Beth wouldn’t want to be coddled by her, but she was still glad that she had shown up. She hoped Beth knew how much she still cared about her.

Delphine drove Alison home with Cosima tagging along in the backseat. When they arrived, Alison eyed the empty driveway and let out a shaky breath. She didn’t want to get out of the car yet. They sat in silence, all of them thinking about what happened, no doubt. Alison was the first to break the silence.

“I was happy she wasn’t there.”

“What?” Cosima asked, looking confused.

“I was happy that Beth wasn’t at the game,” Alison nearly whispered. “Because I hated seeing her on the field and knowing she could get hurt. I was _glad_ that she wasn’t there, and the whole time she was… was…” She placed her face in her hands and began to cry.

“She wasn’t alone, Alison,” Cosima leaned up between their seats and began to rub Alison’s back. “We got to the hospital as soon as we could and sat with her.”

“I s-should have b-been there!” Alison nearly wailed.

“There was nothing you could have done,” Delphine soothed. “We had no idea.”

“Yeah, and everything is going to be okay,” Cosima added. “You heard the doctor. Mrs. Childs will get whatever treatment she needs, and it will all be fine.”

Alison just shook her head. It certainly felt like nothing was fine. It felt quite the opposite.

***

It seemed ridiculous, the idea of having a school dance amid all the turmoil around them. But Alison had been working on putting it together since school resumed, and Rachel Duncan, class president and student council president, couldn’t have cared less what was going on in Alison’s personal life. Their school usually had a Valentine’s Day dance, but Rachel had talked the entire council into voting for a Sadie Hawkins dance in January instead. Alison had a suspicion that Rachel wanted to ask someone but had no clue who it was. Regardless, she and her friends were not up to the festivities. Cosima had loudly protested the _heteronormative bullshit_ that she school was pulling.

Beth lived with Mrs. S now, at least until school was over or her mother was released, and other than asking if their team had won the last game, she hadn’t heard a word from the girl. Everything she knew about Mrs. Childs was from Sarah and Felix. Beth had moved back to the jock table at lunch and hardly gave Alison a glance. Even when Alison tried to corner her at her locker or in the bathroom, Beth would find a way to leave Alison standing alone.

She wished they had never kissed. _No – she wished she could stop being such a coward._ She should have been there immediately for Beth when they had rushed her mother to the hospital. Instead she had retreated inside of herself and focused all her energy on planning the dance and keeping up with her homework. She had asked Donnie to the dance as a formality, to which he had enthusiastically accepted. The rest of their little family would be attending, Cosima and Delphine as a couple and Sarah and Felix as singles. She had no idea if Beth would go. The idea of Beth asking someone to the dance made jealousy burn in her stomach, but she knew she had no right to feel that way.

On the night of the dance arrived, and Alison paced wearily in her bedroom. She was wearing a pastel pink dress that went down to just above her knee with a thin white belt around her waist. Her hair was down behind her shoulders and not a single bang was out of place. She heard Donnie pull up to the house before he knocked and was making her way downstairs when the door opened. He beamed up at her in his suit, a little pink bowtie visible under his neck.

“You look beautiful!” He held his hand out for her as her mother practically squealed at the pair.

She took his hand and let him kiss the back of it. Her mother insisted on taking pictures, and Alison kept her lips pressed together as the iPhone was pointed their way. Why her mother was even acting interested in Alison’s life was a mystery to her. She was sure that as soon as they left her mother would be heading straight to either the liquor cabinet or the bar downtown. Soon enough, she was tugged to Donnie’s truck and they headed to the school.

The dance was taking place in their large gym, and Alison smiled when she saw the turnout. They had left the decorating to the freshman (as was tradition), and it had come out exactly as she and Rachel had imagined it. Silver balloons floated from chairs and rolled on the floor, ribbons hung from the ceiling, and fairly lights were woven around the bleachers and basketball goals. It looked practically magical. Donnie led her to the line to get their photo taken first, and then he spotted his friends.

“Let’s go see what Paul and Chad are up to,” he said, nodding his head towards one table.

“Only if you get me punch,” Alison said.

Donnie got them both a cup and Alison sipped it as she sat with her legs crossed in a folding chair. Paul was with Aynsley, and Chad had turned up stag. If he was mad that he had been dumped, it didn’t show. They gossiped about others on the football team, but it quickly faded to the background as she looked around the gym. She saw Delphine and Cosima enter, followed shortly by Sarah and Felix, who looked unhappy to be there. She saw Sarah mouth something to Felix and drag him towards the bleachers. They would probably hide under it for awhile while passing a flask around. Cosima saw Alison and flashed her toothy grin before waving. Before they could come over, Delphine dragged her to the dance floor.

To her surprise, Rachel walked in briskly with nobody at her side. Alison had been sure Rachel wanted to ask someone, but apparently, she was wrong. Unless she had asked someone and gotten turned down, which was possible. It was hard to tell since she always had an angry look on her face. Alison watched as Rachel’s eyes moved around the gym before she stalked off towards the bleachers. She was going to find Sarah and Felix with their contraband and scream at them, no doubt. It was only a few minutes later when Rachel emerged with Sarah at her heels. Alison cocked her head and raised one eyebrow as the pair stopped at the edge of the dancefloor. Her mouth fell open as Rachel took Sarah’s hand and pulled her closer to dance. What on God’s green Earth was happening? She wanted to run over and ask them, but she knew that if Sarah had somehow agreed to dance with Rachel, confronting her about it in public would just make the punk angry.

Just when she had decided that Beth was probably at home or with her mother at the hospital, the girl stepped past the large red double doors. Alison breathed in sharply when she saw what Beth was wearing. Her hair was fixed in an updo, most likely Siobhan’s work, and loose strands of hair framed her face. Her sleeveless dress was a deep blue, form-fitting and stopping at her mid-calf. Strappy heels finished the ensemble, and Alison felt her throat going dry. All thoughts of the new development with Rachel and Sarah were replaced with an internal exclamation point floating around her brain.

She waited for Beth’s eyes to meet hers, and she felt like time stood still as soon as they did. A flurry of emotions passed over Beth’s face, and Alison knew they were mirrored on her own. They seemed to both settle on sadness, and Beth seemed to rethink coming before she turned on her heel and walked out.

“I have to use the restroom,” Alison said, interrupting whatever Paul was saying to Donnie.

“Sure, Ali. Bring me more punch on your way back.”

Alison ignored him because she was already out of her chair and hurrying towards the entrance. The hallway to her left where the doors to the outside stood was full of people coming in, so Alison looked to her right where the hall led to classrooms just in time to see Beth turn the corner. She quickly followed, her pink heels clacking against the linoleum.

“Beth!” She shouted when she reached the corner.

Beth stopped, and Alison saw her body tense before she turned around.

“You’re missing your dance, Alison,” Beth muttered.

“I don’t care,” Alison said, stepping closer. “Where are you going?”

“It was a mistake to come here. I should have stayed with S,” Beth said, looking anywhere but Alison’s face. “I’m going to head out.”

“You’re leaving because of me?” Alison asked, feeling her throat begin to burn slightly.

Beth frowned deeply but didn’t shake her head. Alison didn’t want her to leave. She had been away from Beth for long enough. After a moment’s hesitation, she grabbed Beth’s hand and pulled her into an empty classroom.

“What are you doing?” Beth asked.

Alison shushed her and pulled Beth a little closer. “You are going to dance with me, Elizabeth Childs.”

“There’s no music.”

“We don’t need music,” Alison began to sway, placing one hand on Beth’s shoulder and lacing their fingers together. “You’re not leaving without giving me a dance.”

Beth acquiesced, beginning to sway as well. She felt Beth place a hand on her hip, pulling her closer until they were flush against each other. Alison replaced her hand on Beth’s shoulder with her chin, squeezing her eyes closed as they moved. A tear made its way out, rolling down her face and leaving a small dark spot on the shoulder of Beth’s dress. The last few weeks had been absolute hell without spending time with her best friend. _Best friend_ , she held in a sigh as the smell of Beth’s shampoo – distinctly lavender and vanilla – filled her nose.

When they finally stopped their dance and Alison took a step back, she could see tears in Beth’s eyes as well. Without thinking, she reached up and wiped one away with her thumb, biting down on her bottom lip as she did so. She leaned in slightly, entranced by the girl’s lips, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her.

“I need to go, Alison,” Beth said, stepping further away. “I… can’t be here.”

“Beth-“

“No, Ali,” Beth continued, “I want to stay, but I can’t. I’ve… got things to do. I should go see my mom.”

Alison watched her make excuses as she backed towards the door.

“Oh… if that’s what you need to do.”

Beth stood with her hand on the doorknob for a beat, staring at Alison with such an intense gaze that Alison felt like squirming. All she wanted to do was apologize and wrap her arms around Beth, but they both knew she couldn’t. Alison wrapped her arms around her middle when Beth finally opened the door and quickly left. She listened to the girl’s footsteps in the hall until they faded away. _Why is this so hard?_ She sniffled once and tried to get control of herself before she would have to rejoin the dance.

After what seemed like ages, she wiped her face and put on her best front as she too left the room to go find Donnie.

***

The yellow daffodils that Alison had painstakingly chosen from the florist were arranged perfectly. She had also chosen a beautiful crystal vase to put them in, and added a card with her best wishes. It had been a month since Beth’s mother entered the hospital, and she decided it was due time to get her something to cheer her up. She didn’t know what Mrs. Childs was going through, obviously, but she firmly believed that flowers made everything a little better.

It only occurred to her as she walked down the hallway that she had only met the woman once. She barely knew her, yet she felt compelled to visit. She came to the room and saw the door was already open.

“Mrs. Childs?” She asked, stepping inside. “Is this a bad time?”

The woman was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring up at the television. She looked to Alison and shrugged.

“You’re Beth’s friend.”

“Alison Hendrix, ma’am,” she walked in and sat that flowers on the table. “These are for you.”

“Daffodils,” she said somewhat happily, reaching over to run her fingers over a petal. “I used to have a garden, you know.”

She gestured to the chair and Alison sat in it. It was strange to see someone in the hospital who seemed physically fine. She knew that Mrs. Childs needed to be there, though. She was seeing a grief counselor and they were helping her recover in a safe environment.

“Beth told me you used to have a yard,” Alison said, folding her hands primly in her lap. “How are you feeling, Mrs. Childs?”

The woman shrugged, “embarrassed.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“I know. But that doesn’t make me any less embarrassed. That, and I am dying for a cigarette.”

Alison studied the woman’s face as Mrs. Childs looked at the flowers. When she had first met her, she thought Beth didn’t look like her in the slightest, but now she could see Beth in the finer details of her face. They had the same jawlines and the way she carried herself was just like Beth. She hadn’t had a proper conversation with Beth since the dance, and it was killing her. Maybe that was part of the reason she was there. Talking to her mom would be sort of like talking to Beth herself.

“Cigarettes will kill you,” Alison muttered just like she had a thousand times to Sarah and Felix before smacking her hand to her mouth in horror. “Oh my god!” She shouted, but it was muffled.

The laugh that Mrs. Childs emitted was _exactly_ like Beth’s.

“Don’t worry about it, hon,” she shrugged dismissively when she had stopped the last of the giggles. “Jokes are few and far between here. It’s nice.”

“What are you doing here?”

Alison turned and saw Beth in the doorway, holding a bag of takeout and staring at Alison and her mother in slight disbelief. Her gape was mirrored in Alison’s face. Beth looked so tired. Of course she saw her at school all the time, but now, up close, she looked disheveled. There were bags under her eyes and she looked like she hadn’t slept well in days.

“I just came by to deliver those,” Alison said, finding her voice and nodding towards the flowers.

Beth looked at the bouquet and Alison saw her face soften. She met Alison’s gaze and Alison wondered what she wanted to say to her. If her mother wasn’t there, she would have found out. Alison bit her lip and gave her a look that she hoped Beth would take as an apology for, well, everything.

“Thanks,” Beth said, her voice coming out somewhat stiffly. “Um, I have enough to share, if you want.” She held up the bag and shrugged.

“I should go,” Alison said quickly, even though she did long to stay. She longed to spend time with Beth, and she hated knowing it was her own fault that they weren’t close anymore. Her feelings for the girl were so strong it nearly took her breath away when she saw the slightly disappointed look in Beth’s eyes. Was it really disappointment, or was she just projecting what she wanted to see? “I… I have a date.” There was no date.

“Donnie?” Beth asked.

Alison nodded and stood up. She didn’t know what to say in parting. Get well soon sounded… too generic. She looked to Mrs. Childs and held her hand out. “I hope you enjoy the flowers.”

“I will,” Mrs. Childs said as she shook Alison’s hand.

She was halfway down the hall before Beth told her to wait. Slowing her quick steps, she steeled herself for whatever Beth was going to say and turned around.

“Thanks… for bringing my mom the flowers.”

Alison smiled sadly and tucked her hair nervously behind her ear. “It was really the least I could do. I just wanted to see how she was doing.”

“Is that all you wanted?” Beth asked, her face inscrutable.

Was Beth a gosh darned mind reader? Alison dropped her eyes to the sterile white tile floor, and it was her turn to shrug. “I know you don’t want to be friends anymore. I wouldn’t either, after what I did. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still care about you, Elizabeth.”

“I do want to be friends, Ali,” Beth took a step closer but kept her arms firmly at her sides. “It’s just… it hurts to be around you.”

Alison rapidly blinked away tears. “Why?”

“You know why.”

Of course she knew why. It was between them, silent and unspoken. It had been there since the first time they spoke _. But Donnie._ She shook her head and stepped back. Why was this so hard?

“If things could be different,” she started, still staring at the floor, “if I wasn’t with Donnie… if we had met years ago… I would be with you, Beth. I don’t know if I’m… If I’m _gay_ , and I don’t want to figure it out. It’s too scary. You’re the first girl who’s ever made me feel this way.” It seemed like now that she had started speaking she couldn’t stop. “All I think about is kissing you when I should be thinking that way about my own _boyfriend_.” Her voice began to get a little shrill and heavy with emotion. “You’re everywhere, Beth. All the time. I care about you so much-“

Beth cut her off with a tight hug that finally made the tears fall down her cheeks. She buried her face in the crook of Beth’s neck and clung to her, bunching Beth’s shirt up in the balls of her fists. Everything about Beth assaulted her senses. Her smell, her touch, the way it felt to have Beth’s arms around her, hugging her tightly.

“Shh,” Beth whispered and moved her hand up and down Alison’s back. “It’s alright, Ali.”

“It’s n-not!” She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut.

Beth pulled back and grabbed Alison’s wrist, leading her into a stairwell where they wouldn’t be stared at by the nurses and doctors. Alison wiped furiously at her cheeks and tried to stop crying. She felt like she had cried enough in the last four months to last a lifetime. She felt horrible for dumping all of this on Beth when the girl had enough of her own problems to worry about, but it felt so good to finally admit how she felt.

“You know I feel the same way about you.”

The girls stood in silence aside from Alison’s sniffles. She did know. That was what made this all so much worse. If Beth didn’t feel the same way, then Alison wouldn’t feel bad about carrying on with Donnie.

“I’m gay, Ali,” Beth said, breaking the silence. “And I’ve known for a long time. It wasn’t a big deal for me or my parents. But I understand… how hard it is for you. And why you’re still with Donnie. Like I said, it just hurts.”

“I’m sorry, Beth. I wish I could change things.”

“You could, if you wanted to.”

Alison looked away at that. She didn’t see how she could. “So what, then?” She asked, “We carry on like this? Not speaking to each other?”

Beth took a deep breath. “I asked the others not to tell you this, because I wanted to tell you myself. I’m leaving.”

“What?” Alison asked in a panicked tone. “What do you mean? Leaving?”

“Old Toronto, near the city center. I’ve been talking about it with the gang and Mrs. S. I have an uncle who lives there, and that’s where I want to go to uni after I graduate, so-“

“So you’ve leaving Scarborough.” Alison said, feeling the tears start anew. “Is it because of me?”

“No,” Beth said quickly. “They’re moving my mom to a facility there, too. I’m not going to stay here while she’s shipped away.”

Even though Beth said it wasn’t because of her, she couldn’t help but feel like it was. Her bottom lip trembled, and she wanted to scream at Beth not to leave. If she could just go back in time and fix her mistakes, if she could have somehow changed all of this…

“Will I see you again?” Alison asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

Beth’s silence was really all the answer she needed.

“I have to go,” Alison stammered quickly. “I have to leave.”

Before Beth could say anything else, Alison turned on her heel and ran to her car. She made it a few miles away from the hospital before she had to pull over. The tears clouded her vision and she couldn’t see enough to stay on the road. She hit the steering wheel with her fists as she cried. There were so many things she wanted to say to Beth, but couldn’t. So many conversations they would never have. Her heart had never felt as broken as it was in that instant. It ached with a pain that was indescribable. She would never see Beth again, and she would never get to tell her what she really wanted to say.

_I love you, Beth._

**End of Part One**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, look for the first chapter of part two right here next week. I love yall!


	6. Part 2 - Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed a week! I'm so sorry. I started a new job and things have been super hectic around here lately. Thankfully, it's settled down and we should be right back on schedule. It was hard for me to get into writing Alison and the others as adults, but I am happy with how it turned out. I hope you all are having a great week! Enjoy the beginning of part 2!

**Nine Years Later**

“I know you saw that, ref!” Alison shrieked, pointing wildly at the spot where her son was sprawled on his back clutching his leg.

Some snot nosed brat had run straight up and _kicked_ Oscar in the leg, and the referee hadn’t batted an eye. Ignoring the protests from said ref, she ran onto the field and knelt next to Oscar, fretting like she always did. “Did he hurt you, baby?” She asked, moving his hands from his leg and inspecting it for broken bones or any host of awful injuries that were flying through her head. When it became apparent that he was fine and she was just embarrassing him, she scrunched her nose up and smiled. “Too big for mommy all the sudden?”

He giggled and nodded his head. “I’m six, mom. The baby stuff is for Gem.”

She absolutely hated the fact that he insisted on calling her mom instead of mommy. She hoped it was a phase. Pushing down her annoyance, she held her hand out to help him up. “I guess you’re just too grown up for oranges and juice then,” she said with fake seriousness and started to walk away as the halftime whistle blew.

“Wait!” He scrambled after her and took her hand. “Come on, mom! You’re gonna let me have some, right?”

She thought about it for a moment as her daughter sat patiently, waiting for her lunch. “Alright, I suppose so. Gemma, get that thumb out of your mouth.”

Gemma pulled it out with a pop and looked mad at being caught. Her daughter was five, just a year younger than her brother. They had both been adopted when Gemma was one and her brother two, and Alison loved them more than she thought she would ever love anything else in the world. They were the reason she got up in the morning and thinking about them made her smile no matter what.

She got food passed out to all the kids on the team and then plucked an orange slice out of the bowl for herself. Oscar’s team was coached by one of the dads that Alison was good friends with, and she coached her daughter’s team. It took up a lot of time, but she didn’t have much else to do. Donnie was the one with the job, even though they had both gone to university after high school. She looked down at her wedding ring while she chewed and thought about their wedding day. Sarah, Felix, and Mrs. S had attended. Even Cosima and Delphine had flown in from California to be there. Her parents, freshly divorced, also attended and avoided each other the entire time. She forced herself not to think about the one person who was absent. Vows had been exchanged, tears had been shed, and Alison had a few extra glasses of champagne that night.

Things had changed so much since high school. Sarah had gotten mixed up with some bad characters and even had a daughter of her own who was Oscar’s age, though none of them knew who Kira’s father was. She bailed Sarah out of jail more times than she would like to admit, and for a while, Sarah fell off the grid, only to reappear about six months ago, saying she was on the straight and narrow. That was yet to be seen. Despite Sarah’s vices, she had never seen a more tender look on the punk’s face than when she looked at her daughter.

Felix had attended art school for a semester before he dropped out. He lived in a loft in Old Toronto and spent his days painting and, to Alison’s great worry, sleeping with a host of different men. Still, the kids loved their Uncle Fe to pieces. He always brought the best gifts when he visited.

Cosima and Delphine had been arguably the most successful of the bunch. They had gone off to school together and attended the same graduate school in Minnesota. Alison was elated when they moved back to Toronto to work for a research institution. She had grown tired of just seeing the pair on Skype.

Even though they were all separated and had their own lives, they still made time for each other.

And then there was Beth.

Alison didn’t know much about what was going on with her. She knew the group still talked to her, mostly just Sarah, and therefore knew she had also gone to university. She was a detective now, and Alison hoped that she was happy. Beth deserved that much.

She hadn’t realized she was toying with her wedding ring until Gemma pulled on her sweater.

“Mommy? Can we?”

“Can we what?”

Gemma looked nervous and glanced at Oscar, who repeated her question. “Can we get ice cream on the way home?”

“I suppose,” Alison said, feeling her heart warm in her chest when her kids smiled conspiratorially at each other. She tugged her daughter in her lap and busied herself with braiding her hair while Oscar went out to play the last half of the game.

***

“She’s got a smile that it seems to me reminds me of childhood memories!” Alison sang along off key to Guns N’ Roses as she drove, swerving slightly on the dark road. A half empty bottle of prescription pills rolled around in the floorboard. She had lost count of how many glasses of wine she had drank, but she was sure it wasn’t more than a couple. It was never more than a couple; she would swear it. “Oh sweet child of mine!”

The decision to drive around to blow off some steam had actually been made after her fourth liberally filled glass. Drinking and her pills had become somewhat the norm, and she told herself she needed them to function. She had never gotten behind the wheel drunk before, though. She marveled at how _easy_ it was to drive this way.

As she unknowingly swerved all over the road, not noticing or caring where she was going, she let her speed creep up to past the limit. She had crossed over into the edge of Old Toronto before the red light began flashing behind her. It took her a moment to actually realize what it was.

“Oh poop,” she sighed and shook her head quickly to wake herself up a little as she pulled to the side of the road. _You’ve got this, Alison. Act natural._ She rolled down her window and then began digging around for her license.

“You know how fast you were going?” The officer asked while Alison dug in her purse.

“Suuurely not faster than the limit?” Alison slurred and then looked up at the flashlight. She wondered if she was pulling it off as she squinted in the light, because the officer didn’t speak for a while.

“Ali?”

Alison frowned before realization dawned on her. Her mouth dropped open and she dropped her license back in her purse. The light lowered and Alison couldn’t believe the sight in front of her. Beth stood there in a pantsuit and a button up shirt with her hair up in a messy ponytail and a badge clipped on the belt of her pants. It was actually her, and she looked the same as Alison remembered, just a little older. A little harder. She became acutely aware that she herself _reeked_ of alcohol as her head swam.

“Alison?” Beth asked again. “What the hell are you doing?”

Alison blinked and opened and closed her mouth a few times. Instead of answering, she shoved Beth back as she poked her head out of the side of her car and puked.

***

When she came to, the first thing she felt was a dull, aching pain in her head. She usually staved off hangovers with another pill, and blindly reached for her nightstand before realizing she wasn’t at home. The previous night had been a blur, and she blinked her eyes open before realizing with horror that she was behind bars. What had happened? She remembered dreaming about Beth, but that was nothing new. She sat up and placed her hand on her stomach, willing its contents to stay where they were.

“Feeling any better?”

She snapped her head up to see Beth leaning against the bars, looking in at her. She wasn’t in a jail, she realized, more like a holding area. It dawned on her that her dream of Beth was actually real. Beth was regarding her with sadness, worry, and a hint of anger. Alison ran her hands over her skirt and tried to fix her clothes. She had gone and dug a giant grave for herself, and now she was lying in it.

“Yes,” she said quietly. She still couldn’t really believe Beth was standing there. She knew she still lived in Old Toronto, of course, but the city was so huge and Alison hardly ventured out of Scarborough. She fully expected to never see the woman again.

“Good,” Beth muttered before unlocking the cell. “Come on then.”

She walked off and Alison had to hurry to catch up. She was led to a desk that was clearly Beth’s. One thing that hadn’t changed was her tendency to have a cluttered workspace. Beth sat in a swivel chair and motioned for Alison to sit in a much less comfortable looking one. While Beth’s fingers clacked on a keyboard, Alison moved her eyes over the contents of the desk. There was a picture with Beth with another woman, both of them grinning at the camera. Case files were stacked haphazardly, and a half eaten bagel sat next to a cup of coffee.

“This never happens to me, you must know,” Alison said, trying to explain herself.

“You know what your blood alcohol was?” Beth asked, not tearing her eyes away from the screen. “Point sixteen, twice the legal limit.”

Alison curled her lips inward and looked down at her lap.

“You’re smarter than that, Alison. At least… you used to be.” She sat Alison’s pill bottle on the desk, causing Alison to look at the rattle of the pills. “I pocketed this when we went back for your car. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but… you could get in a lot of trouble.”

“I… don’t know what to say,” she admitted. She felt like collapsing in on herself. Of all the ways she imagined seeing Beth again, this wasn’t it.

“Tell me what the hell you were thinking,” Beth pressed, turning in the chair so she was facing her now. “You could have died. You could have killed someone. This is your first time being brought in for this, I checked. I don’t want to give you a record, Alison.”

“Why? You don’t even know me anymore,” Alison said, suddenly feeling defensive. Beth had left her, right? Beth had just up and _left_. The more rational part of her knew why Beth had left, but time had a way of muddling details.

The statement seemed to silence Beth for several minutes, during which she turned back to her computer and began typing again. Alison lifted one hand and pointed to the picture on the desk.

“Who is that?”

Beth followed the trail of Alison’s finger to the photograph. “My girlfriend. Her name’s Jennifer.”

“She seems lovely.”

“She is,” Beth muttered before printing out some files and grabbing a pen. “I heard you got married.”

Alison fingered her ring and nodded. “Two years after high school. You were invited.”

“I know.”

They lapsed into silence again and Beth stapled the files together. Alison watched her and felt that familiar tug at her heart while she moved her eyes over Beth’s features. They were indeed hardened, but it was still the same girl from high school that sat next to her. She absentmindedly messed with the hem of her skirt while she waited on Beth to say something to her.

“I called your husband half an hour ago,” she finally said. “You’ll need someone to give you a ride home. I’m suspending your license for three months, and you’ll have to get your car out of impound.”

Alison opened her mouth to protest, but then she realized she was probably getting off easy. Beth didn’t even have to busy herself with this. She was a detective, not a patrol officer. The papers were finally pushed towards her, and Alison had to sign several of them.

“I’m having a potluck on Saturday,” she said quietly, watching Beth’s face. “At three. You can come… Jennifer is of course invited.”

Beth seemed to think about it for a few moments before standing up and motioning for Alison to do the same. “Maybe. I’ll ask Jen about it.”

“Alison! That’s my wife. Let me through.”

She turned and saw a very flustered Donnie waving to her from behind a counter. He saw her and gave a wave to Beth before he was let back.

“You don’t need to make a scene, Donnie,” Alison whispered in a hushed tone. “I am ready to leave.”

“No jail time?”

Beth shook her head. “Not as long as this doesn’t happen again.”

“It won’t.”

Alison glared at Donnie for speaking for her. He did it a lot, but considering the circumstances, she felt it wouldn’t be a good idea to start a fight about it. He linked his arm with hers and steered her towards the exit, but Alison looked back at Beth. The woman was watching her with her hands on her hips, her eyes now inscrutable behind dark sunglasses.

***

The potluck was turning out to be a disaster. She and Donnie had gotten into a huge fight over her drinking, which she insisted she had under control, and he had decided to go golfing instead of helping her with the party. He was usually the bartender, so she had called Sarah in a panic and procured Felix for the day. The problem was that she also had to tend to her children and be a perfect hostess.

“Oscar if you run through this kitchen one more time!” She shouted as he bounded past her and scrambled up the stairs.

“Darling, take this,” Felix said, holding out a glass of wine to her. “And this.” He procured a pill from his pocket and she didn’t ask what it was before she popped it in her mouth and washed it down with the white zin. “And try to chill.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Probably off yourself,” he quipped and walked past, announcing to all of her friends that he just opened one of the bottles Alison was saving for a special occasion.

She rubbed her temples and sighed. Her house was filled to the brim with people. It was like the whole block was there. She usually did fine at these monthly potlucks, but whenever it was her turn to host, it seemed like anything that could go wrong did go wrong. A very expensive vase got broken in the hallway and nobody seemed to know who did it. Chad, who Aynsley ended up going back to and marrying, came up and pinched her butt. She jumped and wheeled around, punching him in the gut. He doubled over and started apologizing as Alison stood shocked at what she did.

“Serves you right,” she finally said before following Felix into the kitchen.

Before she knew it, her glass was empty and whatever Felix had given her was doing wonders to calm her down. She smiled absentmindedly while she refilled her glass and listened to the chatter around her. Before she could wonder once again if Beth was going to show up, she was standing in the kitchen entryway holding a covered dish.

“Beth!” She rushed over and hugged her tightly before letting go quickly. She reminded herself that they didn’t really know each other anymore. Beth was wearing pretty much the same outfit she had been wearing at the station, sans sunglasses.

“Jen couldn’t make it,” she said, looking around at everyone in the kitchen. Some she must have recognized from high school. Some were new. “She made a cake, though.”

Alison took the dish in one hand and sipped her wine as she motioned for Beth to follow her. She pointedly ignored the look that Beth gave the glass of wine in her hand. She absolutely needed it to get through this stressful day.

“Childs!” Chad shouted and hurried over, bumping her fist while Aynsley rolled her eyes. “Long time no see!”

Alison sipped her wine and smiled as she watched Beth talk with everyone. _Beth Childs_ was actually in her house. It was like she was a senior in high school all over again. Felix saddled up beside her and wrapped an arm around her middle.

“Haven’t seen that look in awhile,” he said, making her straighten up and narrow her eyes at him.

“What look is that?”

“The head over heels look that you used to give her, dear.”

Alison sipped her wine before gulping it and placing her empty glass on the counter. She hated how Felix always seemed to know what she was thinking. It made her downright angry. “I don’t know what you’re talking about-“

“Alison, where are your forks?”

“In the fork drawer!” She shouted, startled by one of the women who lived across the street. Everyone stopped talking and looked at her. She forced a warm smile and pointed. “Right over there.”

“Well played,” Felix said before hurrying away to refill everyone’s glasses.

She glowered at his back for a moment before grabbing her glass again. Of course, it was still empty. She sighed and put it back down. Once again, she reminded herself that she didn’t even _know_ Beth anymore. Still, seeing her standing with a few high school friends in the middle of her kitchen and laughing…

She refilled her glass and walked over to link arms with Beth. “Come on.” She smiled and tugged her towards the back door. They walked across the yard and into the garage, where Alison closed the door behind them and leaned against it while she drank.

“You leave you own parties often?” Beth had her hands on her hips.

“They won’t even notice we’re gone,” she waved a hand dismissively in the air. “I do this every time it’s my turn to host. It’s just… overwhelming sometimes.”

“I see…” Beth looked down to her glass again and Alison shrugged.

“It’s only my second.” _A lie._

Beth stuck her hands in her pockets and walked in a circle around the garage. Alison watched her taking in the sheer suburban-ness of it all. Alison’s car was parked on one side and a row of four bikes hung from the far wall. There were tools that Donnie seldom if ever used mixed in with Alison’s gardening supplies, and shelves that contained household items which were the fruits of Alison’s couponing skills.

“It’s how I pictured it,” Beth finally said, turning back towards her.

“What do you mean?”

Beth looked around again. “It’s… you. The house, the yard, the potluck. I mean, Sarah had told me, but all I could do was imagine it.”

“Oh,” Alison said, not sure if Beth was happy or sad about it. When Beth smiled, though, Alison mirrored it. “You and Sarah talk about me?”

Beth nodded as if it was obvious. “I know we parted on… bad terms. But, Ali, I always wanted you to be happy. You must know that. We were just kids then. We didn’t know anything about the real world.”

Alison stayed quiet at that. Of course she knew it, but that didn’t make anything easier. Her hand was shaking as she took another drink. The alcohol burned even though the wine was sweet.

“Tell me about yourself,” Beth offered. “How you’ve been doing all this time.”

“Sarah didn’t tell you?”

“I want to hear it from you,” she said softly.

“I’ve been…” she trailed off in thought. Good? Happy? Lonely? She wasn’t sure how to answer. “I’ve been okay.”

“Me too,” Beth nodded. “Okay.”

“You know I have two kids. Donnie and I, we tried to conceive, but we couldn’t.” The subject was a sore spot for her. She loved her kids dearly, but she would never get to know what carrying her own baby was like. “Oscar is six and Gemma is five. We’ve had them since Oscar was two.” Speaking of her kids made her smile wide. They were her pride and joy.

“I always knew you’d make a good mom, Ali. You were basically Sarah and Felix’s second mom back then.”

Alison let out a genuine laugh and agreed. Every group had the mom friend, and she supposed it had been her back in the day. Who was she kidding, though? Between Felix’s extracurricular proclivities and Sarah’s problems, she was still their mother.

“Tell me about you, Beth. How did you meet Jennifer? What’s she like?”

“We met when we were in the last year of university. I was training part-time for the force and majoring in psychology, and she was majoring in education. We actually got into a tussle over the last free computer in the lab. She was so pissed that I won,” Beth grinned that toothy grin that made Alison feel like a teenager again. “We moved in together the year I became a detective.”

“That’s so sweet,” Alison said, feeling a moderate amount of jealousy. That could have been her, going to school with Beth and living together. _Get ahold of yourself_. “What does she do now?”

Beth looked away and seemed to grow instantly uncomfortable. “She’s… she was a swimming coach. She, uh, she got sick. About six months ago.”

“Is it bad?”

The look on Beth’s face told Alison the answer. “Oh Beth,” she stepped forward and took her hand, squeezing it tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

“The doctors are hopeful, so…” she trailed off and Alison decided to drop the subject.

At that moment, the door to the garage opened and Gemma stomped in, looking extremely upset.

“Mommy! Oscar _took_ my teddy. _And_ he called me a baby!” She spoke as if Oscar had committed a capital offense. She was on the verge of tears, but they went away when she saw Beth standing there. Her eyes moved from her face down to the badge, and she gasped. “Oh no! Please don’t arrest him… He didn’t mean to steal!”

Alison knelt down and lifted Gemma into her arms. “Shh, baby. This is Elizabeth. She’s mommy’s old friend from school.”

Beth smiled and raised a hand in greeting.

Gemma sniffled and looked between them. “So… she won’t arrest Oscar?”

Beth shook her head. “I’m off duty, milady.”

When Gemma giggled, Alison felt her heart swell. “Let’s just go find your brother and give him a little talking to. Beth, do you want to try some of the casserole I made? It’s just this way.”

“I better not. Jen is waiting on me to get home… But, uh, it was good to see you again, Ali. Really good.”

“You too,” Alison said wishing Beth didn’t have to leave. “Drive safe… and don’t be a stranger.”

Beth stepped closer and kissed Alison’s cheek before high-fiving Gemma. “I definitely won’t be.”

They all walked back into the house, and as Beth headed for the door, Alison saw her rolling her sleeves up. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Beth’s wrist. The watch that Alison had bought for her so long ago was there. She saw it in just a flash before the front door closed behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alison is a fucking mess lmao


	7. Part 2 - Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got no other excuse besides life happened, and I got incredibly busy. I hope you all are having a wonderful summer!

“Tell. Us. Everything,” Cosima said from the screen of Alison’s laptop.

She was alone in her craft room since Donnie was at work and the kids were at school. She had decided to call up Cosima on Skype and tell her about the last week. Cosima was holding a joint between her fingers, and Delphine was next to her, smoking a cigarette. They both looked shocked but mostly curious.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Beth had a girlfriend? A sick girlfriend?” She asked as she poured herself a glass of wine.

“We don’t talk about Beth, remember?” Cosima rolled her eyes. “You always got upset when I mentioned her, so I quit.”

“But you talk to Beth about me,” Alison prodded, narrowing her eyes.

“Only if she asks.”

“That is all beside the point. Tell us about seeing her again,” Delphine interjected, cutting off what would have been an argument.

Alison’s eyes dropped to the bottle of Xanax in her hand and she unscrewed the cap quickly. The small pill rolled into her hand. Most of the time, she called them her little helpers. They calmed her down and helped her think straight – helped her be a better mother. She ignored the sigh Cosima let out as she downed it with a sip of wine.

“We… ran into each other.”

“Where?”

Alison took a deep breath and moved her fingers through her hair. “She pulled me over. I was barely… slightly intoxicated.”

“Alison!” Cosima shouted while Delphine’s mouth dropped open. “What the hell?”

“I didn’t call you so you could berate me!” Alison shouted in return. “Donnie still isn’t speaking to me. We had a huge fight about it. I messed up _one time_ , and it’s not going to happen again.”

“Did Beth arrest you?” Delphine asked, leaning in towards the camera and elbowing Cosima, who looked like she was still about to lecture her.

“I don’t remember,” she muttered. “I vomited and lost consciousness. But she did let me go the next morning. I invited her to the potluck.”

“The one that we avoid like the plague,” Cosima nodded. Nothing was more boring to them than spending the day with the most stuck-up people from high school and their spouses.

“I invited Jennifer too, but she didn’t come. What’s wrong with her, exactly?”

Both women looked at each other on the screen and Cosima sighed, “We think you should ask Beth about that. She never talks to us about it, really. But when she told us she was sick… I’ve never seen Beth look so upset.”

Alison chewed on her lip for a few moments. She couldn’t imagine what Beth must be going through. It was something she wished she never had to experience.

“Are you going to see her again?” Cosima asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“I don’t know… I want to,” she nearly whispered before gulping her wine.

“Alison,” Cosima suddenly looked serious. “Don’t do anything stupid, okay? Beth is really… well, she’s really vulnerable at the moment.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Alison asked. “You think I would do that to her? To her girlfriend? To Donnie?”

“What she means is that we remember how intense things were between you both,” Delphine said quickly, “and high school is over, but that doesn’t mean those feelings just go away.”

“I think I can control myself, thank you very much. And since you seem to have forgotten, Beth is the one who left. She just up and _left_.”

“She needed to get her mom into better treatment,” Cosima pointed out.

“I know!” Alison shouted and then snapped her mouth shut. She took another pill with another gulp of wine. Maybe talking to them about this was a mistake. All of that anger was so hard to keep locked away once she felt herself reliving the memories. “I have to go. The clothes are done drying.”

“Alright. You know we love you, right?” Cosima asked as Delphine nodded.

“I know. We’re still family. I’ll see you soon,” Alison said. “If you ever decide to step foot out of that lab you’re always in.”

That at least got a laugh from the women. They blew kisses and signed off. Now the only sound was the ticking of the clock on the wall above her. She stared down at her wine and swirled it around. It was easy to remember the years that alcohol made her scrunch up her nose in disgust. She could remember having to help her mother up the stairs and into bed while she was drunk as a skunk. Oscar and Gemma would never see her like that. She wasn’t her mother. She was different.

She sighed and took another drink.

***

It was a few hours later that day when Alison called her. Beth had answered, her voice slightly surprised to hear from her. Since Beth had been the one to suspend her license for three months, then Beth should be able to drive her to the store while Donnie was at work and couldn’t do it, right? It was only fair.

She stood on her porch in a freshly ironed blouse and skirt while she waited. Her outfit was accented by the pink high heels she paced in as Beth’s unmarked car pulled up the curb. The window closest to her house rolled down and Beth pulled her sunglasses off while she leaned over the console.

“Want to ride in front this time?”

Alison pressed her lips together, hiding a smile as she hurried down the walkway and got into the car. She leaned in and hugged Beth tightly. She had been upset over her conversation with Cosima and Delphine until she saw Beth smiling at her.

“Where to, Miss?” Beth asked. “And don’t say to the stars.”

“I think Whole Foods will do,” she replied, laughing.

“Whole Foods it is.”

Alison looked around the car, not having any memory of her last ride in it. It was kept clean, and Alison wondered if that was because it was against the rules to have a cluttered car. She wondered how many guns were in the vehicle with her at the moment, and if Beth might get a call over the radio and jump into action with her in the passenger side.

“I’m on my lunch hour, so I’m not taking any calls,” Beth said. “If that’s why you’re staring at my radio.”

Alison blushed a little and nodded. “I can’t imagine how brave you have to be to go running towards danger.”

“It’s worth it, if it saves someone,” Beth shrugged. “Besides, I haven’t been hurt yet, knock on wood.”

“What’s the most dangerous situation you’ve been in?”

“Shootout with a perp I had been tracking down for a few days. He nearly took my head off, but my partner Art had my back.”

“I regret asking,” Alison muttered, not wanting to picture Beth being shot at in any situation.

They fell into silence as Beth drove the rest of the way to the store. She walked in behind Alison, and Alison was glad for the company. Besides, she would have felt awful leaving Beth outside in the car. She grabbed a cart and loaded it with vegetables and fresh meats before dropping in the junk food that Donnie liked and a few treats for the kids.

“You were always the best cook,” Beth remarked.

Alison turned and saw her watching her with her arms crossed and her shades back on. She remembered all of the meals she had made for her friends over the years, and especially in high school. Beth had been right when she said Alison was a natural mother. She took care of her friends like they were her own children.

“I think Jennifer may have me beat in the baking department, as much as it pains me to say,” she turned back to the shelves and selected fruit juice. “That cake you brought was the star of the potluck after you left.”

Look at her, bringing up Beth’s girlfriend in a perfectly normal and pleasant way. Felix would be proud.

Beth chuckled, “Yeah, she’s got serious skills.”

Alison decided to test the waters a little.

“What’s her last name?”

“Fitzsimmons.”

Jennifer Fitzsimmons. She thought the name with each syllable drawn out in her mind. She must be an outstanding woman for Beth to have fallen for her.

“And she was a swim coach?”

Beth nodded, now walking next to her through the store. “Her teams always won the national trophies, too. She moved like she was born to be in the water.” The look on Beth’s face was somewhere between happy and bittersweet.

“I know it’s none of my business,” Alison continued. “But… what’s her diagnosis?”

“She’s got an autoimmune disease that’s attacking her lungs. Sort of like cancer, but there’s no real treatment. Just experimental stuff.”

“Oh… oh that’s just… I’m so sorry, Beth.”

“The doctors are hopeful this new thing they’re trying will help. I couldn’t explain it if I tried. All of that stuff goes over my head.”

Alison stopped pushing the cart and wrapped her arms around Beth, hugging her tightly and taking her by surprise. Beth hugged back after a few moments, and Alison felt her hands resting on her back. She may be jealous of Jennifer, but she would never wish anything like this on another human being. She would pray every night for Jennifer to get well again.

“Let’s just get going,” Beth muttered into Alison’s neck before pulling away. “I do have to make it back to work on time or the captain will have my ass.”

Alison had to take a moment for her thoughts to catch up with her movements so she could turn back to the cart and push it towards the checkout aisles. As usual, her eyes moved over the magazines and she tried to get a trashy tabloid in the cart without Beth noticing. If she did, she didn’t tease Alison about it.

When they got back to her house, Beth helped bring in the groceries and then they both stood on the porch. Alison knew Beth needed to go, but she felt like there was something else she needed to say. The way Beth looked at her never failed to make her feel like a teenager again.

“Beth,” Alison started and then trailed off. What was it that she wanted to say? So many thoughts were going through her head that she didn’t know. She finally took a breath and smiled. “Stay safe.”

“I will,” Beth said slowly. “Ali… Can I ask you something?”

Alison nodded, wondering what she could possibly want to know.

“Back then, you told me that you didn’t know if you were gay.”

Alison flinched.

“…I was just wondering if you figured it out. If you’re happy.”

“With Donnie, you mean?”

Beth nodded and Alison felt her cheeks flushing again. This time out of frustration and embarrassment. She still didn’t know. She had never been with a woman, but she had never been truly happy with Donnie. If she was being truthful with herself, she didn’t even enjoy having sex with him. She enjoyed making him happy. Wasn’t that love? Wasn’t that good enough?

“After you left, I quit trying to figure anything out,” she said truthfully.

Beth’s face fell slightly and she frowned. Before she could say anything, her phone began to ring. One glance at it made her sigh.

“I have to go. Art’s covering for me right now,” she leaned in to kiss Alison’s cheek. “I’ll see you around, Ali.”

“Goodbye,” Alison whispered, watching her turn to leave. Beth got into her car and disappeared around the corner, but Alison stood there a few minutes more with her hand pressed to the spot on her skin where Beth’s lips had been.

***

“Thank you so much for bringing me and the kids to skating practice,” Alison said from where she sat in the passenger seat of Aynsley’s SUV. Oscar and Gemma, in addition to soccer, also practiced ice skating once a week. Chad, Aynsley’s husband, was the coach, and Alison, having no license, had asked for a ride. It was a simple enough solution, as Oscar and Gemma were good friends with the Norris child, a young boy named Chad Jr.

“You don’t have to thank me, sweetie,” Aynsley replied. “You know I’d do anything for your family. We’re practically sisters, you and I.”

Alison gave a slightly pained smile and held her cold fingers over Aynsley’s heater. They had stayed inside until Alison was too cold, and Aynsley invited her out to the car to warm up. They were parked under thick trees at the back of the parking lot and had a view of the entire building. Aynsley reached over and turned the radio up a little before laughing happily.

“Remember our routine to this?”

“How could I forget?”

“Get tough! Attack! Make them shake in their knees! Because we’re the mighty Antlers and we do as we please!” Both women shouted at the same time and then fell into a fit of giggles.

“Hey, check this out,” Aynsley said, lifting the center console and digging around. She pulled out a rolled joint and held it in front of Alison’s face. “Chad thinks I don’t know about these, but I know everything.”

Alison’s eyes widened. She didn’t think Aynsley would ever touch a joint, let alone hold one so nonchalantly.

“Wanna share?”

“Sure…”

Aynsley found a lighter and lit it up before breathing in deeply. Alison did the same, feeling the smoke burn in her lungs before she let it out.

Fifteen minutes later, they were still giggling. Although now it was because of nothing in particular.

“I can’t believe you married Chad,” Alison said between laughter.

“And you married _Donnie_ ,” Aynsley cried and doubled over as she laughed.

The smoke filled the SUV with its haze and Alison reached for the joint again, finishing it off. This is really what she needed. A chance to let loose and relax for one minute. She cracked the window and waved her hands towards the crack, letting the smoke escape in the wind. She didn’t notice Aynsley push the console up and scoot closer so she could help until their sides were pressed together. In her pot-induced stupor, Alison studied Aynsley’s form and licked her lips.

“I bet you could plow me like a cornfield.”

Aynsley blinked at her and then giggled again, “What?”

“I’m serious,” Alison said, though she was holding in another bout of laughter for no reason. “I’m objectifying you, sexually.”

“Like I don’t get objectified enough,” Aynsley muttered, but didn’t pull away. “You know you’re only saying that because we’re baked, right?”

“So?” Alison asked, placing her hand on Aynsley’s cheek.

“So… I’m not gay.”

“Yeah, neither am I.” _I think. I don’t know._

“As long as we both know that.”

Alison nodded and they looked at each other for a beat before lunging at each other and kissing sloppily. Jackets and sweaters were discarded and hands groped and squeezed, making both women moan. Alison lost herself in the weed and Aynsley’s moans as she let her hands roam wherever she wanted to. Her seat got lowered back and Aynsley ended up on top of her. Alison had a sneaking suspicion that Aynsley had at least one rendez-vous with another woman in college, because she knew exactly what to do as soon as their pants were discarded. Alison groaned loudly and mimicked her motions, sliding her hand between Aynsley’s slightly parted legs. They found a rhythm, making the SUV squeak on its axels as Alison pressed her foot against the glass and threw her head back.

“So close! So close!”

“God, Alison!”

Their voices became too high pitched to hear as they both tumbled over the edge together. Aynsley slumped forward on top of Alison as they tried to catch their breath. Alison was the first to giggle, and soon Aynsley was joining her, lifting her head to grin and meet Alison’s gaze. Their laughing, however, was cut short by a knock on the window.

“Alright you two, break it up and get dressed. This is a family establishment-“ The voice paused. “Alison?”

Alison turned her head to see past Aynsley’s shoulder and her eyes widened.

“Beth?”

“Beth Childs?” Aynsley asked before hurrying to get dressed.

Alison thought things would be better if she just evaporated into nothing. Beth took in the scene in silence before turning away so Alison could get dressed and get out of the car. She slid her hands in her pockets and stared at the ground. What was Beth even doing in Scarborough?

“Please don’t tell anyone about that, Beth,” Aynsley said as she quickly rounded the front of the car. “We were just…”

“We’ve been smoking,” Alison explained.

“Cigarettes!” Aynsley shouted before giving Alison a look like she was insane.

“Marijuana,” Alison corrected. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not going to arrest you,” Beth muttered. “Even though I have every right to. You realize anyone could have seen you. Oscar and Gemma could have.”

“I know,” Alison said, feeling ashamed. How did she keep messing up like this?

“I just stopped by to bring you cupcakes. Jennifer made them,” she held out the bowl, but didn’t quite meet Alison’s eyes. “You weren’t there, but a neighbor told me you were here for your kids’ practice.”

“Thank you.”

“And thanks for not arresting us,” Aynsley said, oblivious to the tension between the two women.

“You both should head inside before I change my mind.”

Aynsley grabbed Alison’s wrist and tugged her away, but Alison kept her eyes trained back on Beth. The detective still didn’t look at her, but didn’t move to leave, either. She saw Beth look into the car one more time and stick her hands in her pockets. She kicked at the ground for a moment before turning on her heel and heading back to her Mercedes. Alison wished she wasn’t wearing those glasses so she could see Beth’s expression.

It only occurred to her later, as she sat at the dinner table watching her family eat, that despite her inebriated state, she had enjoyed sex that morning. She’d enjoyed it for the first time she could remember.

***

Stalking was a very harsh word. It had such a negative connotation, and Alison didn’t like that. Therefore, searching Jennifer’s name on Facebook, sending her a friend request so she could see her pictures, and sending her a very friendly message _wasn’t_ stalking. She was just getting to know the girl a little better. Cosima had told her that Jennifer was an exceptionally kind woman, and if Alison was going to be friends with Beth again, she wanted to get to know her. Besides, befriending someone new helped her take her mind off of what happened with Aynsley – off of her increasingly obvious sexuality. She hadn’t heard from Beth ever since she had caught her in the parking lot at the ice rink that day. It was such a mess, and she doubted that Beth would answer her if she sent a message apologizing. And besides, what did Alison have to apologize for? Absolutely _nothing_. Cosima and Delphine were less concerned with Beth’s reaction and more interested in the fact that Alison had sex with a woman. They asked a million questions that Alison couldn’t – or wouldn’t – answer. Not yet. So, faced with no other option, she had decided to try a different approach to talk to Beth again. She couldn’t be blamed, really.

She popped a Xanax and sipped her wine as she waited on Jennifer to answer her message.

_Why not stop by for dinner? Beth would probably love to see you._

Alison smiled and licked a stray drop of white zinfandel off of her lip. Donnie was more than capable of ordering pizza for himself and the kids. He might complain about it for a couple of hours when she got home, but she knew he secretly relished any excuse to eat something greasy as opposed to the nutritionally balanced meals she always cooked. She sat her glass down and quickly replied.

_That sounds wonderful! Should I bring something? Dessert?_

She clacked her lightly trimmed nails against her craft table and tapped her foot while Jennifer typed her message. Of course, she said no dessert was necessary, but Alison was going to bring a pie anyway. She learned at an early age to never show up to another person’s home empty handed. She asked for their exact address, downed the rest of her wine, and closed her laptop. Of course, Cosima, Delphine, and Sarah had all cautioned her against spending too much time with Beth, but they were worrying for no reason. Beth had Jennifer now, and Alison was married. Nothing was going to happen. Alison could be perfectly respectable around an old acquaintance.

Since she still had a few days before she could drive again, she opted to call a cab to get to Beth and Jennifer’s house. The cherry pie that she had baked sat in her lap, keeping her warm as she continually told herself that things would be perfectly normal. Was she nervous about meeting the woman who managed to win Beth’s affection? Absolutely. Was it because Alison still felt something for Beth? Absolutely _not_. Alison just wanted to make a good impression, that was all. Before long, the cab was coming to a stop and Alison could no longer dwell on what was going to happen. The condo looked nice enough, very modern for Old Toronto. It was a clean white color with multiple tall windows that Alison knew probably let the sun in during the mornings and made the condo that much cozier.

She put on her best Hendrix smile as she adjusted the pie and her purse with one hand and knocked on the door with the other. It opened almost instantly, and Alison came face to face with Jennifer Fitzsimmons. What struck Alison first was how undeniably beautiful the woman was. It was no surprise that Beth had been attracted to her. Even though the woman wore a beanie and a cannula over her nose, Alison could tell she was stunning.

“Alison? It’s so good to meet you!”

Alison smiled wider and held her hand out, letting Jennifer grasp and shake it. “A pleasure, Ms. Fitzsimmons-“

“Please,” Jennifer said as she shook Alison’s hand, “Call me Jen. Everyone does. Come on in! Beth will be home soon.”

As she stepped inside, Alison let her eyes wander over the apartment. Beth must have changed from high school. Instead of the clutter she remembered, the apartment was immaculate. She saw the white, clean lines of the walls and furniture stretching back to make the condo look larger than it was. Books lined a shelf and her eyes lingered on a pile of medical supplies near the couch before she moved on.

“You have such a lovely home,” she said, eyeing the pictures on the side table that depicted Beth and Jennifer in college and a few on a beach. “Beth was much messier in high school.”

“Yes, I trained her well,” Jennifer said with a chuckle. “You didn’t need to bring anything.”

She motioned towards the pie and Alison shook her head quickly, “I insist. Let me.” She didn’t want to make Jennifer carry it when she was pulling an oxygen tank behind her. They walked to the kitchen island and Alison sat the pie on it, finally noticing the smell of chicken in the oven. It would have been mouth-watering if her mouth wasn’t already so dry and her nerves making her nauseous. “I also brought wine,” she said with somewhat forced happiness, pulling a bottle out of her purse.

“Oh, thank you, but we don’t drink,” Jennifer said, holding the bottle up to read it. “Not anymore, anyway. I can’t with the medicine, and Beth abstains out of solidarity. But please, pour yourself a glass. It shouldn’t go to waste.”

Alison took the bottle and got a glass and an opener from where Jennifer pointed. After the first couple of sips, she felt the nerves starting to settle down. Jennifer went around her to check on the chicken and stir the pasta on the stove, and Alison regarded her as she took another sip. It was obvious that the woman was sick, but she didn’t seem to let it keep her down. Alison found herself admiring that.

“We could tackle the elephant in the room before Beth gets here, if you want,” Jennifer said, and Alison nearly choked on her wine.

“Wh…what?” She asked, placing her glass on the table. Had Beth told her about their history?

“My illness,” Jennifer continued, turning with a smile. “I’m sure Beth has already told you what it is.”

Alison let out a quick sigh of relief and nodded. “I didn’t want to point anything out or make you uncomfortable.”

“You won’t. They’re working on a cure, and I don’t want anyone to act differently around me. That includes you, alright? I feel fine.”

“Alright,” Alison said, smiling softly. “But if you both need anything, Donnie and I are more than willing to help.”

Jennifer motioned for her to go have a seat, and Alison took her drink with her. She sank into the couch and Jennifer sat in the recliner across from her. “We appreciate it. But tell me more about yourself. I’ve met Cosima and Sarah, but they don’t speak much about you. And Elizabeth is a tough egg to crack.”

“Ah, well…” Alison fiddled with the stem of her glass. “I’m not sure there is much to tell. I’m married, and I have two children, Oscar and Gemma. Beth is an old friend. We were very close friends in high school. I was the mom of the group. Beth was only with us for senior year, and she left before spring. It was… tough. We lost contact after that.”

Jennifer had one eyebrow cocked, and Alison prayed she didn’t ask how everyone in the group could have stayed in touch except for Alison and Beth. Thankfully, there was the sound of the key in the door before it got pushed open and Beth was walking in, pulling off her shades.

“Son of a bitch nearly got me killed today, you won’t believe it- Oh, Ali? Alison, what are you… Jen?”

“I invited her for dinner, honey,” Jennifer said, starting to push herself up.

Alison watched Beth hurry over and place a hand on her shoulder. “Thanks for the heads up,” she said, but it was with a smile.

They kissed, and even though it was quick, Alison felt her cheeks burn. She took another drink while Beth placed her badge and a gun on the coffee table. She then pulled off her tailored jacket, and Alison nearly gulped when Beth pushed up the sleeves of her dress shirt and she saw that watch on her wrist.

“It’s great to see you, Ali,” Beth said, although her expression said the opposite.

Alison was reminded of the look on Beth’s face when she had found her and Aynsley naked in the SUV. She wondered if it made Beth confused or just disappointed that Alison’s life seemed to be coming apart at the seams despite her best efforts to stop it. “You too, Beth,” Alison finally said, flashing her Hendrix smile. This is why she had come over in the first place, right? To get Beth to talk to her. Even though she should have been focusing on her marriage and her kids, she couldn’t go without seeing Beth now that the woman was back in her life. She couldn’t stay away even if she wanted to.

There was a tense silence for a moment before Jennifer finally pushed herself up. “You two catch up. I’m going to get the plates.”

“I can get them, Jen-“

“Beth,” Jennifer said, giving her a stern look. “I’m not going to keel over if I set the table.”

With a sigh, Beth took Jennifer’s place in the recliner and regarded Alison with a look that she couldn’t quite place.

“About Aynsley-“ “We don’t have to talk about it-“

They both spoke at the same time, and Alison took a long sip of wine in the silence that followed before she spoke again.

“I’m sorry,” Alison said.

“For what?” Beth asked, shaking her head. “It’s none of my business what you do, Ali.”

“I know it’s not,” Alison said somewhat indignantly. “That doesn’t mean I wanted you to see that. I don’t even know what _that_ was.”

“It seemed straightforward to me,” Beth muttered.

“Well, it wasn’t. It was… confusing,” Alison replied. “Can we just pretend it didn’t happen? I want to be friends again, Elizabeth.”

Beth seemed to think it over before exhaling a chuckle and shaking her head. “Whatever you want, Ali. I’ll do.”

The statement seemed loaded, but Alison didn’t have time to delve into the implications before Jennifer was corralling them towards the table. The food smelled amazing, and the open bottle of wine was sitting out for her to refill her glass with. They all sat down, and Alison complimented Jennifer on her skills before they started to eat. To her relief, Jennifer seemed oblivious to the tension between the other two women and made conversation with them both. Alison told them tales from college, and Beth told them about her awful day at work. By the time they were full of Alison’s pie, half of the bottle of wine was gone and Alison felt at ease.

“I’m going to turn in for the evening,” Jennifer said, looking like she was exhausted.

“I should head home,” Alison said quickly, standing and blinking in surprise at how her head spun just a little. Had she really drunk that much? Well, at least it wouldn’t go to waste, as Jennifer had said.

“Let me drive you,” Beth said. “After I help Jen into bed.”

“Nonsense, Elizabeth. I am more than capable of procuring a cab,” Alison fumbled with her phone. “Thank you for inviting me here, Jennifer. The food was lovely.”

“I hope you come back soon,” Jen replied, pulling Alison into a somewhat awkward hug.

“I’ll sit outside with you until the cab gets here, then,” Beth said to Alison as she took Jennifer’s arm.

Alison corked the bottle and put it back in her purse with a nod before making her way to the front porch. It wasn’t much longer before Beth was opening the door and stepping outside. Alison kept her eyes facing forward as Beth sat on the step beside her.

“Ali?”

“Yes?”

“You never told me if you were happy. The other day at Whole Foods.”

“I didn’t?” Alison asked, even though she knew she hadn’t.

Beth was just quiet while she waited on Alison to continue.

“Are _you_?” She asked instead.

“Yes,” Beth answered quickly, and Alison finally looked at her. She was telling the truth, it was in her eyes.

“That’s good,” Alison said softly. After a few moments passed, she quickly wiped her eyes and shrugged. “I’m… fine.” Beth reached over and grabbed Alison’s hand, squeezing it tightly. Alison looked at the watch again and back to Beth. “You kept it?”

“I told you it’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”

Alison didn’t want to think about how hearing that made her heart sink into her stomach and her neck burn. She blinked quickly and tugged her hand away from Beth’s.

“I still have the book,” Alison said quietly. “I’ve read it about a hundred times.”

“Just as depressing as the first time, right?” Beth said, elbowing her lightly.

Alison gave a sad laugh but nodded. “I seem to be an expert on depressing.”

Beth’s smile turned into a frown, and she scooted closer to Alison. “Ali, you know that I just want you to be happy. What I’ve seen lately… doesn’t seem like someone who is even okay.”

Alison’s eyes began to burn with tears, and she began to feel embarrassed.

“I told you that I am fine,” she said, clenching her jaw. “I don’t need you to worry about me, Elizabeth.”

“I know, but-“

“But nothing,” Alison said sharply. “I want to be your friend, but I can’t be if you’re going to keep asking these kinds of questions… I can’t… Ah, damn it!” She balled her fists up and smacked them on her thighs as the tears finally fell. She didn’t push Beth away when the woman wrapped her up in an embrace. She didn’t even want to anyway.

The cab pulled up, and Alison quickly fought for control of herself as she stood, leaving Beth on the step.

“I hope we can see each other again soon,” she said, doing her best to push forward that voice of cheerfulness she had spent years practicing.

“Ali…” Beth said, but Alison was already climbing into the cab.

She made herself comfortable in the back and told the driver her address before glancing at the condo again. Beth was standing, but still looking at her. Alison forced her eyes away and managed to keep it together until she was back at home and in her craft room.

It was late, but she didn’t care as she propped her phone up with her pink popsocket and clicked Cosima’s name on FaceTime. She pulled out her bottle of Xanax and shook out two of them before pulling the cork off of the wine with her teeth and spitting it across the room. She was popping them into her mouth as Cosima’s tired face came on the screen.

“Alison?”

Alison chugged the wine as she heard Delphine telling Cosima to scoot over. She finally looked down at her friends’ faces as she wiped wine off of her bottom lip with her thumb.

“I’m not happy. At all.”

She eyed their concerned faces for a beat before finally bursting into sobs.


End file.
